


Spying Omens

by EdnaV



Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: 6000 Years of Pining (Good Omens), 6000 Years of Slow Burn (Good Omens), Aspec Friendly, Chatting & Messaging, Enemies to Friends, Episode: s01e03 Hard Times, Epistolary, Falling In Love, Fanart, Gen, Happy Ending, Ineffable Husbands (Good Omens), Ineffable Idiots (Good Omens), M/M, Missing Scenes, POV Outsider, Queerplatonic Relationships, a lot of footnotes, every form from footnote to office memo, ineffable fandom, oh my god they were fans, that cold open ruined my life and I love it, the cat's important, there's a cat too, they're doing a groupwatch
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-03
Updated: 2020-02-15
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:42:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 25,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22414189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EdnaV/pseuds/EdnaV
Summary: The angel Zophiel and the demon Ramiel have one simple job: to observe and file reports about their field agents on Earth, the Principality Aziraphale and the Tempter Crowley. But when they decide to watch them together, the job becomes something more...That is: where did Michael get those “Earth Observation files,” and what’s the story of the angelic fan (and their demonic counterpart) who was hiding them?
Relationships: Aziraphale/Crowley (Good Omens), Original Female Character & Original Genderqueer Character
Comments: 245
Kudos: 189
Collections: Good Omens Big Bang 2019





	1. Counterparts

**Author's Note:**

> For the [Good Omens Big Bang](https://goodomensbigbang.tumblr.com/), one of my best decisions of 2019.
> 
> This fic was originally [inspired by this prompt on Tumblr by starrose](https://starrose17.tumblr.com/post/186104142649/what-i-love-about-this-is-her-choice-of):
> 
> _“What I love about this is [Michael's] choice of words, “went back through the Earth Observation files.” This implies that these photos were already filed somewhere meaning somebody had to have been watching them which meant somewhere in the depths of the bureaucratic heaven there’s an underpaid angel clerk tasked with watching angels on Earth, and he’s been hoarding photos of his favourite Angel/Demon couple not reporting them to Michael because he wants to see what happens.”_
> 
> The art has been created by the wonderful [ohstars](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohstars) and [Worts](https://archiveofourown.org/users/wortlby2/pseuds/Worts).
> 
> The banner is by the magnificent [SortOfSunny.](https://sortofsunny.tumblr.com/)
> 
> [Worts](https://archiveofourown.org/users/wortlby2/pseuds/Worts), [Dee](https://archiveofourown.org/users/meinposhbastard), and Doctor Science have been incredible betas. Worts has kept on pushing me to write better for almost six months. Dee has saved me from writing a millennial-at-heart angel like the worst boomer. Doctor Science has given uncountable suggestions.
> 
> [WyvernQuill](https://archiveofourown.org/users/WyvernQuill) is the storycoach without whom this fic wouldn’t even exist. 
> 
> [Lurlur,](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lurlur/pseuds/Lurlur) [Hemera](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hemera7437/pseuds/Hemera7437) and [Pearl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pearl09/pseuds/Pearl09) have been an incredible support group.
> 
> As for the mods of the Big Bang — you’re heroes. Thank you.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A demon has a job to do, and an idea.
> 
> An angel has the same job, and a very different idea.
> 
> There’s a cat too. The cat is important.

  


[ ](https://66.media.tumblr.com/5089e687b8067125bc7da8392a50707b/33352ec1c0a7fd17-51/s1280x1920/ef0140409a58e7c46e2a64d65179190f6db600da.jpg)

  


### Hell, 4004 B.C.

File: Hel_1

Sunday, 9th November 4004 B.C., 4:59pm

From: Beelzebub, Prince of Hell

To: Crawly, Tempter

Get up there and make some trouble.

File: Hel_2

Monday, 10th November 4004 B.C., 8:01am

From: Beelzebub, Prince of Hell

To: Crawly, Tempter

Sleep is for humans. Comply with request as in Hel_1 asap. Send report to Duke Dagon.

File: Hel_3

Monday, 10th November 4004 B.C., 4:00pm

From: Crawly, Tempter

To: Duke Dagon, Lord of the Files, Master of Torment

Trouble made. Happy?

The demon Ramiel, Archivist and Watcher of the Earth Surveillance Department, wondered why the report of Earth field agent Crawly didn’t mention his interaction with the Angel of the Eastern Gate. She went through the recording again.

_Oh, that's why. They're laughing._

That changed everything. When the Angel had lifted his wing to shield Crawly, it wasn't just angelic duty. The angel and the demon had shared a laugh. A connection. _The_ connection.

_Infernal Lord,_ thought Ramiel. _I should report it. Why should I be stuck into this office while a lucky Tempter like Crawly have all the fun..._

She secured the braid that bound her long chestnut hair, and draped her regulation robes over her shapely bust. She felt ready for the task at hand — a task that promised to be quite rewarding, if slightly daunting.

She went through the recording a third time, then a fourth, then once more, looking for that blessed field agent's weak spots. She tried to think of how to best word a damning memo[1]. 

She failed.

_Crawly's a superstar right now, with that apple idea. He can even justify sharing a laugh as ‘I was trying to tempt the angel’...no, I don’t have enough, bless it..._

She heard a noise.

_Oh, there she is._

Kitty was back, now — _my little Kitty, with her short legs and her ginger fur. I find a loophole in the guidelines so I can call her “pet” and not “demon-assigned animal”,[2] I give her _a name,_ and she disappears for a day — I don't know what She had in mind when She created cats._

And now Her little enigma and a mouse were having some fun.

Well, Kitty was having fun — the mouse was watching his short life flash before its eyes.

_Such a brilliant girl,_ thought Ramiel.

She had an idea.

The Tempter’s report was processed as specified in the standard guidelines, nothing more, nothing less.

A copy of the surveillance record was discreetly filed in Ramiel’s own personal cabinet.

Ramiel loved blackmail — such a cold and thoroughly demonic activity. She looked forward to watching Tempter Crawly's next move.

### Heaven, 4004 B.C.

File: Hea_1

Monday, 10th November 4004 B.C., 10:30am

From: Cherub Aziraphale, Angel of the Eastern Gate

To: Archangel Michael, Earth Supervisor

Apple eaten. Humans no longer in Garden.

File: Hea_2

Monday, 10th November 4004 B.C., 10:35am

From: Archangel Michael, Earth Supervisor

To: Cherub Aziraphale, Angel of the Eastern Gate

Received.

No need to explain why you left your place on Apple Tree duty. The Observation Files (attached) show that you were “busy” observing the ducks.

File: Hea_3

Monday, 10th November 4004 B.C., 4:30pm

From: Cherub Aziraphale, Angel of the Eastern Gate

To: Archangel Michael, Earth Supervisor

Established contact with the Enemy. The demon Crawly, Tempter, came to talk to me on the Eastern Wall. I'm inclined to believe that he was trying to use his evil wiles to instill doubt in my mind. I am glad to report that I resisted his temptation. I believe that this will be the last we see of him.

Re: ducks. I've noticed that the chicks will bond with the first adult duck they see. It's a fascinating phenomenon, a sign of the beauty of Her Ineffable Plan, and I was taking a moment to appreciate it and give thanks to Her.

The angel Zophiel, Archivist of the Earth Observation Department, read the report once again. They were in awe of Cherub Aziraphale’s strength. Resisting a demon. A Tempter. _The_ Tempter.

Sure, he had made that minor mistake with the ducks, but it was clearly just to praise Her Glory, and not even an angel can be expected to be in two places at once, and anyway... well, anyway, Zophiel tended to be quite keen to celebrate Her Creation[3] and to Observe good stories.

They stretched their thin arms, noisily cracked their long fingers, adjusted the pins that were meant to keep their clothes in a respectable configuration,[4] and went back to watching the angel and the demon. _I love my job,_ they thought.

The Tempter was questioning Cherub Aziraphale about the Ineffable Plan. The angel had given the standard reply, as in the guidelines: _“beyond understanding and incapable of being put into words.”_

_There you go. Point for Heaven! Everything's as it was ordained: what more do you need?_

But the Tempter was refusing to listen. He continued pestering the Cherub. “Didn't you have a flaming sword?”

_Hey... that's right. Well, a demon can use the truth to tell a lie,_ thought Zophiel. _Bothersome being. Well, demon._

And then Cherub Aziraphale mumbled four words.

_“I gave it away.”_

Zophiel was too busy shouting _“You what?!”_ to notice that the Tempter had said the exact same thing. They listened to the Cherub putting the pedal to the metal[5] as he accelerated his justifications: vicious animals, the weather, Eve’s pregnancy, probably even Adam’s need for a good meal.

Then, as the ramble subsided, Zophiel's mind ground to a halt.

The Cherubim of the Eastern Gate had _aided and abetted the sinners._ Zophiel remembered the instructions that Archangel Michael had given them that very morning.

_File a non-compliance report._

They were reaching for the form, when they noticed something: Cherub Aziraphale had lifted his wing to shield the Tempter from Her latest invention — thunderstorms.

_Maybe there's something else going on. I shouldn't rush to conclusions,_ reasoned Zophiel. _Maybe I should watch a bit more._

_It’s all in Her Plan, after all._

### Hell, 3505 B.C.

Someone was knocking.

_Not now. Infernal Lord. If they see me with this human thing, they’re going to take it away, and then everything’s going to be just an eternity of tabletwork._

Ramiel hid her yarn in a drawer, and immersed herself in the study of the first form at hand.[6]

The knocking intensified.

“Come in!” she shouted.

When she looked up, she couldn't believe her eyes. Crawly himself was leaning on the doorframe, giving her with his most charming and roguish smile.

“Hello there,” said the Tempter.

“All hail Satan,” replied Ramiel, slightly shocked by the lack of basic etiquette. _Just because you're an up-and-coming demon, you're not above form and politeness._

“You're the Surveillance lady, right?”

“I'm the demon in charge of surveillance, and I'm neither a Lord nor a Lady of Hell,” said Ramiel, warily. “In what may I be of service to you, _my fellow demon_ Crawly?”

Crawly was nervously running a hand through his hair. This made it impossible to see his eyes, which only made it even clearer that he was trying to hide them.

“Just wondering... do you know that Angel of the Eastern Gate?”

_Oh, great. So it wasn't just a slip. Let's see if he understands that I know, and that I'm not forgetting his little secret - not without anything in return, anyway._

“You mean, the Opposition agent with whom you were conversing after tempting the humans?”

“That one.”

_He doesn’t understand? Really?_

“What’s he to you?”

_He cannot be so naive as to actually..._

“Oh, I just wanted to follow him around, get to know him. Funny guy. I mean, the more you know about the other side... right? So, I was wondering... do you know his name?”

_He is_ that _naive. By the Dark Pit, this is going to be such fun._

“Let me check the files.”

Crawly appeared to be too busy nervously shifting his weight from one leg to the other to notice Ramiel's ominous grin.

“The angel's name is Aziraphale. He was demoted to Principality for allowing you to enter Eden and ‘wreak havoc on the Great Plan.’ He’s currently stationed on Earth, very likely in Egypt,” she said, coldly.

“Aziraphale,” repeated Crowley slowly. “Perfect.”

He dashed away.

_Perfect indeed,_ thought Ramiel.

### Hell, 3004 B.C.

File: Hea_200

From: Zophiel, Archivist & Observer, Observation Department, Heaven

To: Ramiel, Archivist & Watcher, Surveillance Department, Hell

Hi there! I hope I'm sending this message to the right person... My name is Zophiel, and I'm the Observer in charge of Earth for the Heavenly Hosts. I believe that this makes me your Angelic counterpart.

I'm putting together a report on the Mesopotamia Renovation Project, but our Observation Recorders have sent very incomplete data. Would it be possible to have a copy of your Surveillance Files? (It’s “Surveillance” for you, right?) As the Project was an enterprise that involved only Her Blessed Name and humanity, without any angelic or demonic interference, I think that an exchange of information between our offices is allowed.

Zophiel

P.S.: Are you having a Rain Bow Creation Party Downstairs too? Or maybe it's not your style?

So, it's true. Angels are idiots, thought Ramiel. All that destruction, and they're... celebrating? Calling it a ‘Renovation Project’? They really make you proud to be a Rebel.

She decided to tell her “angelic counterpart” (how dare they take that kind of liberty?) to take a blessed walk. The Communication Office had just invented passive-aggressiveness, and Ramiel couldn't wait to try it.

File: Hel_523

From: Ramiel, Archivist and Watcher, Surveillance Department, Hell

To: Zophiel, Archivist and Observer, Observation Department, Heaven

Dear “Counterpart”,

I am attaching the data we have regarding the Flood. Unfortunately, we cannot provide any witness statement, as there are no witnesses left; but I am sure that the images will be clear enough.

Best regards,

Ramiel, demon Archivist and Observer

Kitty jumped on the desk, dropped her prey of the day (this time it was a lizard), and started to purr. Ramiel felt a deep connection with the little beast.

_I wish I could be there when my “angelic counterpart” gets the message._

### Heaven, 3004 B.C.

Zophiel stared at the pictures as long as they could bear it. Then the tears and sheer rage took over.

_The children._ She had let the children drown. And the office was throwing a party — _there must be some kind of mistake. Michael doesn't know. They’re a great boss. They’re a role model. The Strong Angel we all need to be. Their pep talks are even better than Gabriel’s._

Zophiel dried their eyes, or at least wiped away enough tears to look at the rest of the pictures.

And then they saw it: two small figures, one dressed in white and one in black. The first one was holding an old man's hand while the water was rising, telling him that peace will come, eventually, just rest, now, don't be afraid, I am here with you. The other one was looking at a boat that had refused to take aboard some children. In the image that followed, the boat was caught in a particularly vicious countercurrent.

### Hell, 3004 B.C.

File: Hea_201

From: Zophiel, Archivist & Observer, Observation Department, Heaven

To: Ramiel, Archivist & Watcher, Surveillance Department, Hell

Hi there, demon.

If you wanted to hurt me, kudos. If you wanted to make me blaspheme against Her Ineffable Plan, try again.

Take a look at the details that I've highlighted in files 2-4 and 6. You can see that our field agents are working together and helping humans: I find that inspiring, and I think that we all should follow their example.

You know how to reach me, right?

Zoph

### Hell, 3000 B.C.

Ramiel considered Zophiel's memo, as she had done every day for the past four years. This time, she decided to reply.

The plan to blackmail Crawly was not going well: the Tempter was more interested in date-palm cocktails with nutmeg, crushed lemongrass, and frou frou umbrellas than in doing his job — and yet he had managed to increase the intake of damned souls. Ramiel needed to know more.

His only weak spot seemed to be the Angel of the Eastern Gate. Surveilling both the demon and the angel could’ve been smarter — and accepting Zophiel's proposal would make the job easier.

There was a minor issue: four years had passed. Sending an unprompted memo to Heaven was bound to raise suspicion; doing it without being certain that the recipient was still at that desk, not angry as Heaven[7] for the delayed reply, and not ready to report her, was not so much a leap of faith as a somersault dive from a cliff into a tiny pool surrounded by rocks at night.

_But I'd rather take a shower in Holy Water than read another annual report about the best beer stall at the Bubastis Festival while I'm stuck at this table._

Kitty was playing with her toy mouse.

Cats are peculiar creatures: rebel enough to belong in Hell, beautiful enough to be of Heaven, charming enough to get anywhere.

Ramiel grabbed the cute little thing, tied a tiny roll of papyrus to her collar, and gave her some very precise instructions.

I see your points, counterpart. Both of them. I suggest we keep on doing our jobs.

She wondered what the angel would make of the message.

Assuming that they got it.

### Hell, 1750 B.C.

Kitty jumped onto Ramiel’s desk. The scroll was tied to her collar with a golden ribbon.

No, the Code of King Hammurabi was not inspired by our agent.

Zoph

PS: Do you like “epic poems”? They’re a new human invention, I love it. The blockbuster about Gilgamesh & Enkidu is awesome.

Ramiel sighed. _More than a millennium of messages, nothing of consequence._

_Well, it’s still a bit of intelligence. It could turn out to be useful, eventually._

### Hell, 442 B.C.

File: Hel_4857

30th September 442 B.C., 2:00pm

From: Duke Dagon, Lord of the Files, Master of Torments

To: Crawly, Tempter, currently stationed in Athens

Recorded by: Ramiel, demon Archivist and Watcher

Considering that the latest developments of “Peloponnesian War” have considerably increased our soul intake, and considering that the aforementioned War is your doing (as per memo Hel_249), we hereby bestow you a _Tempter Commendation, Second Class_.

Ramiel looked at the surveillance record, then at the Tempter's report. She spent the rest of the day trying not to laugh. Finally, some blackmail material, she thought.

### Hell, 441 B.C.

Ramiel wondered whether to fill in another form or to unroll the scroll.

_The angel’s messages are always short, I might as well read it now and finish my work later._

Did you watch the show with our guys yesterday? Good play, right? Sophocles' strong girls are the best.

### Heaven, 441 B.C.

When Kitty snuck into the office, Michael was explaining to Zophiel that the new forms had to be filed in triplicate. Luckily, the Archangel mistook their sudden smile for bureaucratic enthusiasm, and decided to cut the lecture about “tidiness is next to godliness”.

As soon as they were out of the door, Zophiel picked her up.

Dear Zophiel,

I agree that Mr. Sophocles' Antigone is quite beautiful. I cannot help but wonder what someone of your Heavenly persuasion, so wary of rebellion, thinks of the ethical conundrums that it raises — but I see that you're enjoying it, therefore I won't inquire any further.

As for our agents, as far as I noticed, they mostly discussed frivolities. I don't think that your agent's comments on the allure of the cast are of any relevance as far as our understanding is concerned — although, of course, I don't know your office's policy in these matters.

Kindest regards,

Ramiel

The angel scratched Kitty's chin, and smiled.

_Always so clever, that demon,_ they thought.

_Maybe I could help her un-Fall. Maybe that’s why I met her._

_Yes, it must be all part of Her Plan._

_I should do my best to help Rami._

* * *

### Footnotes

1. For the average demon, “damning” means “leading to a comfortable position in Hell Head Office.” In this case, it meant “leading to a very uncomfortable position, both figuratively and physically, in Hell’s deepest pit.”↩

2. Demons are assigned an animal after a Hell-devised personality test on a horrible company retreat where they pretend to enjoy themselves while being subjected to bewildering experiences that, thanks to a demonic miracle of the highest level, manage to be both boring and frightful. That is, after a standard personality test on a standard company retreat.↩

3. i.e., everything↩

4. For example: “not completely wrapped around one arm on one side, while on the other side there's no fabric left, and _I don't know how it happened, I was too busy doing this, that, and the other thing, all at once.”_ That is to say, not looking at all like Zophiel's attire.↩

5. Pedals had not been invented yet. Metals did exist, but they had not been involved in phrases about speed yet. Anyway, we're telling our story in English, a language that likewise hadn't been invented yet, so there you go.↩

6. _Licking the Walls for Fun and Profit: a Comparative Study in 304 Tablets._ Tablet n.124, “Pros and cons of tongues as paintbrushes.”↩

7. Ramiel had just dealt with the Surveillance Files from Sodom and Gomorrah. Nobody had asked for her opinion, but if anyone had (and they should’ve, as she was clearly one of the few people in the Office with a hint of common sense), she would’ve told them that her opinion was something along the lines of “that Sandalphon would make a fine demon.↩


	2. Dear Mates

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zophiel and Ramiel meet, chat, watch, panic — but most of all, they get closer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The art in this chapter is by [ohstars,](https://oh--stars.tumblr.com/) who was also one of the heroes behind the Big Bang. Can I hear a WAHOO?

### Halfway between Heaven and Hell, 33 A.D.

Ramiel considered miracleing herself into the hall, but she decided that taking the stairs would be less conspicuous. When she arrived, Zophiel was already there — their white toga all over the place, as if they'd run downstairs, and an attempt at a charming smile on their face.

“Hey girl,” was their greeting. “Love the stola.”

“All hail Sat— good morning.” replied the demon. “I hope you won’t mind if I point out that _I’m not a girl,”_ she added, not completely icily[8]

“Well, good to see you, at last, demon. Is it okay if I call you demon?”

“Of course, _sweet dove,”_ she replied, with a sarcasm that went completely lost on the angel. “So, I have to agree with your latest message — Kitty has done a good job, but we need to find other ways to communicate. I'm quite fond of — well, I'd rather not lose her, and if we keep on using her as messenger she is bound to be noticed by the wrong sort of... well, she’s bound to be noticed, and it could be a problem. You said you have some ideas, but I understand that the death of Her Son is an occurrence that won't present itself very often.”

“Nuh-uh. One-time event.” Zophiel didn't seem bothered by the sight of a demon discussing Heaven’s most controversial policy decision in a casual tone. They seemed more interested in the demon herself, looking at her as if she were a novelty of sorts.

Ramiel was slightly unnerved by the angel’s stare. She decided to use her time to understand which buttons to push to get the most entertaining reaction from them.

“Have you noticed our agents?” she asked, conversationally.

The angel brightened up, as if they were discussing the most enjoyable play ever written. “Oh, yes! I've seen them! Always together, our guys, right?”

Ramiel glared at the excitement on Zophiel’s face, and pressed on. “It was _most interesting_ what your angel said about _the dangers of kindness.”_

Zophiel was undeterred in their cheerfulness.

“It was more like ‘Her message is to be kind, regardless of what might happen to you’. And anyway: it was your demon who asked!”

“Well, that's his job, he asks questions,” replied Ramiel.

“Oh, I forgot that you don't believe in Her Ineffable Plan; you're condemned to ask endless questions forever,” said Zophiel. “I'm sorry, it must be hard. If you ever want to discuss it...”

They looked as if they were actually sorry.

Ramiel considered herself to be a smart demon, which meant that she didn't like condescension, and unwitting condescension just made her angry.

Ramiel actually _was_ a smart demon. So she knew that being angry could cause involuntary honesty.

Ramiel would’ve preferred to keep her honesty in check, as was proper for a demon.

But Ramiel was very angry. And she was not a perfect demon. She didn't so much commit evil deeds as neatly file the reports.

The anger won.

“Actually, we don't ask many questions. It's more of a personal inclination of our agent,” she blurted out.

“So... there are questions that are better not asked, even in Hell? Or _especially_ in Hell?”

_Oh, bless it. I wouldn’t say these things to a demon, and I’m saying them to_ an angel?

_Standard reply, Ramiel. And move on._

“I'd rather not comment.”

Zophiel winked and smiled.

“Got it,” they said. “Another time. Should we discuss my trick? I call them _DMs,_ it stands for _Dear Mate.”_

Ramiel felt so relieved by the change of subject that the annoying acronym _(aren’t those one of Crowley’s?)_ almost didn't make her roll her eyes.

“Yes, it might be better.”

Zophiel took a deep breath.

“Describe your office to me,” they said.

“I beg your pardon?”

“Tell me what it looks like.”

Dagon's face passed through Ramiel's mind. It was a very angry face, and it talked about the unsavoury consequences of _colluding with the enemy._

“I am not sure that I'm allowed to divulge this sort of information to...”

Zophiel seemed to read her thoughts.

“I don't need to know the floor plan of every circle of Hell,” they protested, “and I don't need to see what's in your filing cabinet. I just need to know what your desk looks like. The colour of your chair. Pictures on the wall. That sort of thing.”

“I'm not sure that...”

“My trick is safer than being here.”

“It doesn't take much...”

“You won't have to move from your chair, and nobody will know.”

“That's not...”

“It's going to be safer for Kitty too.”

The demon sighed.

“Fine,” she relented. “The desk is black wood. I keep it as tidy as possible, with some blank papyrus in front of me, should I need to jot down a quick note. My quill and inkwell are on the left, the blotting paper on the right. If I'm keeping a file out of the cabinet for reference, it’s a bit farther on my right, in a tan brown folder.”

“Great. Your chair?”

“My chair is black, very simple. It’s quite uncomfortable, of course, so I've got a cushion — it’s round and red, more or less the shade of my stola. I did it myself, no miracles.”

“How?”

Ramiel tried not to blush. “A human invention. They call it _knitting.”_

“Must be beautiful. And red — wow. My boss doesn't like strong colours. Except gold, of course. Go on. The walls.”

“Ash grey.”

“Anything on the walls?”

“Just the usual posters.”

“What do they say?”

Ramiel looked like someone who's been caught stealing rubber bands from the stationary cabinet[9]

“You're here forever. Forget it. Abandon all hope, ye who data entry here.”

Zophiel hardly repressed a _“Good Lord”._

“Fine, that's enough,” they said. “Now, remember this: my desk is white, my chair is white too. The desk is organised like yours, but I'm right-handed, so the inkwell is on the right and the blotting paper on the left. I also have a bottle of water to dilute the ink when I leave the inkwell open by mistake. A couple of trinkets: a tiny golden angel and a dinosaur. I love dinosaurs. The walls are white, Gabriel just decided to put up these motivational posters — ‘Always Triumphant’ is very popular.”[10]

Ramiel grinned.

“Infernal Lord. Not on the nose _at all.”_

“Well, we're celebrating the new era,” said Zophiel. “Anyway: can you _see_ my desk? In your mind's eye?”

“More or less... not really.”

“Fine. I'll do it. You just keep an eye on your papyrus.”

Ramiel was about to ask, What the Heaven is _‘it’?_ — when suddenly she heard a trumpet sound.

“The trumpet! The party! I've got to go!” said Zophiel. They started to run towards the stairs.

Ramiel felt as if the angel were taking away more than the confidential information that she had spilled — _like a fool,_ she thought, and she felt panic creeping upon her.

Somehow, Zophiel understood, and they turned back.

They put their hands on Ramiel's shoulders.

“Look me in the eyes, now,” they said, calmly.

“What?”

“Look. Eyes.”

The demon did as she was told.

“We are going to be fine,” said Zophiel.

“...yes?” replied Ramiel.

“Trust me,” said Zophiel.

“...yes?”

“Breathe,” ordered Zophiel.

“I’m not a human b...”

“It’s going to calm you. It works on us too. Breathe. Air in. Air out.”

Ramiel drew a deep breath.

“We’ll be fine,” said the angel. “Repeat after me: we will be fine.”

“We will be fine.”

“Good.” Zophiel was smiling. “We will be fine. But now I've got to run. Ta-ta, _demon.”_

“Ta-ta, _sweet dove.”_

### Hell, 33 A.D.

Ramiel was back at her desk.

_“Trust me,” and I look into their eyes, I say “yes,” and I actually — Satan help me — I actually believe it? What the Heaven was I thinking?_

### Hell, 33 A.D.

Hey demon. You there? Just write yes or no.

Yes.

Yay! It works! Do you still see my first message?

I do.

Great! So, what do you think of my trick?

I wonder what I’ll do when there won't be any more space on this sheet.

Take another sheet. :-)

Point taken. Does ‘:-)’ stand for a smile?

Yep! How’s Kitty?

Purring.

Give her some scritches for me too, demon.

I will, sweet dove.

### Hell, 41 A.D.

Hi Rami! What are you up to?

I was tidying up my filing cabinet.

Again?

Oh, fine. I was knitting a toy for Kitty. I just managed to come by some really good wool, and

Aren't you watching our guys?

I'm not allowed to give you any details as to the whereabouts of

I already know where they are. They're both in Rome. WATCH THEM. NOW.  
Are you watching?

Yes, I am. Is your agent playing noughts and crosses on his own?

HE'S SEEN YOUR GUY! GO ZIRA! TALK TO HIM!

I don't see how

_“Just nipped in for a quick temptation”?_ Wow...

I cannot possibly comment on his mission. I am glad that he evaded the question.

Oh, shoot. Petronius'. I'll have to cover another “get a last-minute table” miracle. MAKE IT WORTH IT, ANGEL.

Are you covering for your agent's irregular behaviour?

No big deal. Hey, did you hear what he just said?

_“Let me tempt you”?_ It sounds like your agent is making a pass at ours.

And your demon just gave him a once-over.

I was being ironic, and I believe that C was just assessing the situation.

Sure. _Ass_ essing.

Don’t be silly.

Best. Couple. Ever.

Their interactions are quite interesting, I shall grant you that.

THEY’RE LEAVING TOGETHER!

It’s the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

YAY!

In case it wasn't clear, I was joking.

Are you following them outside?

Yes, I am. Are you?

OF COURSE.

We are going to keep on watching them all night, aren't we?

YES WE ARE.

Do you realise that it might take at least _six hours,_ which could be dedicated to more productive activities?

We've got until the End Times, demon.

### Heaven, 312 A.D.

File: Hea_10482

29th October 312 A.D., 9:05am

From: Archangel Michael, Earth Supervisor

To: Principality Aziraphale, Earth field agent, currently stationed in Rome

Recorded by: Zophiel, Archivist and Observer

Your role in inspiring the Emperor's dream and his conversion are noted and highly appreciated.

Your choice of fighting so deep in the thick of the battle that we cannot recognise you in the Observation Files is commendable, but unnecessary. We'd rather avoid any discorporation paperwork.

P.S.: Archangel Sandalphon sends his best regards. He thinks that the Emperor's conversion will soon lead to a drastic reduction in the number of pagans and heretics with minimal miracle expenses. _“Humans can be very brilliant at smiting themselves”_ are his exact words.

Zophiel managed not to faint.

_They believed my version of the story. Well, it’s not like I lied, I simply omitted a few minor details._

They watched the recording of Aziraphale during the battle again, comforting dying soldiers on both sides.

### Hell, 537 A.D.

You there?

As I’m here every day, and you know it. What about you?

Same. As usual. Have you watched our guys today? They met!

Yes, and they made a mess of things, as always.

Come on. Zira’s word for Michael was perfect. C’s proposal was quite smooth.

That proposal proves, once more, that even I am more devious than C And I’ve told an angel everything about me.

Oh, yes, all those TERRIBLE things.

Did you really expect it?

That you contacted me for demonic reasons, “blackmail” and so on?

Yes.

Well, I knew that you are a demon.

And are you still trying to “make me un-Fall”? Five centuries of daily chats later?

If it’s Her Plan...

Of course.

But She made you this way, right?

Well, I didn’t Fall on my own, dove.

You know what I mean!

Yes, sweet dove. I do.

### Hell, 1020 A.D.

How could she have been so _stupid?_ She was a clever demon. And yet, she had managed to be so _stupid._ She had been a thousand years of _stupid._

A thousand years of paper trail. Their silly little notes about something funny their agents had said, their long letters building in-jokes over in-jokes, their _Dear Mates_ about everything and nothing — and they all spelled one word: treason.

She had kept all the evidence. _Stupid._ She didn't even know why. _Stupid._ She should have known better. She had got into this mess because she wanted to blackmail a colleague. She had ended up protecting him — and exposing herself.

She had been _stupid._ Worse: _naive._ Even worse than the angel. The angel — they could tell their superiors that — whatever. It doesn’t matter. _Angels._

What matters is that _I_ am in trouble.

The paper with their most recent _Dear Mates_ was still there, on her desk, in plain sight.

Hey, did you see? Our guys finally caught up with us, and it only took them 4 millennia. ;-)

What do you mean?

They're finally cooperating. Helping each other out. They've reached an Understanding, like the two of us. :-)  
Are you there, demon?  
Are you there?

I have to go.

_Bless it._

_Cooperating._

The thought of Dagon flashed through her mind.

Then the thought of Hastur. They hadn't had a proper torture in almost a century, and they loved torturing fellow demons — they couldn’t die and they were so much more resistant to pain than humans, there were so many more ways to hurt them.

_Just because... Why? Because I wanted some_ good company?

Her hands were shaking. Her teeth were chattering.

_Destroy every bit of evidence of the angel. Immediately._

_Hellfire. That's the only way to destroy something angelic._

_Throw everything in the fire, Ramiel. Now._

_Everything._

Ramiel sighed, and she didn't even know why.

_Throw everything in there. Now._

Another sigh.

_Done._

She grabbed Kitty and gave her the usual instructions.

### Heaven, 1020 A.D.

[ ](https://imgur.com/a69An4z)

  


Stop any contact. Acknowledge here. Give scroll to Kitty and send her back asap.

Acknowledged.

_Acknowledged._

One word, and Zophiel felt like they had just stabbed themself.

Kitty was looking at them, waiting to bring back their reply to her demon.

_Her_ demon. _Her_ cat. Not _theirs._

Zophiel paused.

_Maybe I'll scare her away, they thought. But it can't get any worse._

They added another line.

Stop any contact. Acknowledge here. Give scroll to Kitty and send her back asap.

Acknowledged.  
_I'll wait for you, demon._

  


[ ](https://imgur.com/LdQ1VtO)

  


### London / Heaven / Hell, 1601 A.D.

#### Globe Theatre, London

An angel who wants to enjoy the world: _Some grapes, please._

##### Zophiel's observation desk, Heaven

Still trying to do that “magic trick” with the coin? _Awww._

##### Ramiel's surveillance desk, Hell

Still trying to do that “magic trick with the coin”? _Argh._

* * *

#### London

A demon who wants to look cool: _This isn’t one of Shakespeare’s gloomy ones, is it?_

##### Heaven

You tell him, demon.

Good Lord, I want my demon. She'd love this one.

##### Hell

Infernal Lord, I know he's an angel, but how can he suffer such short-sighted company is beyond me. This play is a masterpiece, they're bles... damn... well, they're lucky to witness this moment of creation. Even Zophiel would get it.

* * *

#### London

A playwright who wants someone to listen: _Could you, in your role as “the audience” give us more to work with?_

##### Heaven

Yes! That’s the way you do it! You’re part of the experience!

##### Hell

Satan, give me patience. And give patience to Mr Burbage, a master of his craft...

* * *

#### London

An angel who’s panicking: _Oh, he’s not my friend! We’ve never met before! We don’t know each other!_

##### Heaven

_BOOOOOO!!!_

##### Hell

_Great acting,_ angel. Very convincing.

Only an angel could think that’s enough to cover themself.

_No, Ramiel, don’t even think about them._

* * *

#### London

An actor who’s despairing: _To be or not to be, that is the question..._

##### Heaven

Come on Hamlet, get over yourself and let me hear what our... no, what _my_ guys are saying.

Okay Zira, you’re right, he’s good.

##### Hell

Let’s check in which circle you end up for “plagiarism from lovelorn demon’s witticisms”...

And here they are, bickering instead of working or — oh, I don’t know, _watching the play?_

* * *

#### London

An actor who’s saying the perfect words: _The pangs of despised love... / and the insolence of office..._

##### Heaven

Big mood, Hamlet.

##### Hell

Oh, finally! Let’s see: _Proof of a secret scheme for keeping in contact with the Opposition, informally known as “the Arrangement”..._

_Kitty, I told you, we’re getting out of here. Bigger office. Maybe even Earth assignment. Do you know how many mice and wool balls we’re going to have?_

_Don’t look at me like that, Kitty._

_Do I really sound like...?_

_Stop. Staring._

* * *

#### London

A demon who’s tempting: _Toss you for Edinburgh?_

##### Heaven

Don’t let him cheat!

##### Hell

_Don’t let him cheat!_

Satan, I beg you, a record of a blessing, I need that evidence, this time I won’t miss the moment...

Of course. He cheated.

And the angel believes him.

_Angels._

With that cheek, Crowley, I think you'd be able to play tragedy, comedy, history, pastoral, pastoral-comical, historical-pastoral, tragical-historical, tragical-comical-historical-pastoral, scene individable, or poem unlimited; and recite some sonnets to a dark lady and a fair youth for good measure.

* * *

#### London

A demon who’s been tempted: _Fine, I’ll do it. My treat._

##### Heaven

Awwww... I bet that Will’s next “enemies to lovers via bickering” comedy is going to be a classic.[11]

##### Hell

Minor demonic miracle. Minor.

And he convinced the angel to do a Commandment-grade tempting.

_Not enough evidence yet._

### Hell, 1601 A.D.

Ramiel considered the pros and cons of loneliness.

Then the pros and cons of ending up on Hastur's bad side.[12]

She picked up the quill.

### Heaven, 1601 A.D.

Zophiel was back to their desk with a cup of tea. _Great invention,_ they thought; _finally the Europeans are catching up: I would’ve bet that it was going to be a success back in the Han era, if Michael had allowed any gambling._

Suddenly, they saw it: the blank sheet of paper was no longer blank.

I don't know if I can make it work, or if you’re the only one who can do this trick.

I have thought about our situation.

We must be _discreet._

But if you still want to keep in contact, please let me know.

They almost knocked over the inkwell.

* * *

### Footnotes

8. On a scale from “ice cream van” to “outer space”, Ramiel's tone was somewhere in Antarctica.↩

9. Stationary cabinets were a recent invention by Crowley. He was incredibly proud of what he called _“My Little Temples to Theft Temptation”._↩

10. Zophiel decided not to mention the ‘Never Falling’ poster. It was a wise choice.↩

11. Zophiel spent the next fifteen years trying to miracle a new comedy like Much Ado About Nothing. It took them about a century to realise that a writer’s creativity transcends angelic miracles.↩

12. Not that Hastur had any other side.↩


	3. Good Company, Hard Times

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zophiel and Ramiel keep on watching their agents’ antics together. There's nothing like watching a good story with your best not-exactly-an-enemy, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first part of the title is a nod to a Queen song. It's a Good Omens fic, after all.
> 
> Art by [Worts,](https://archiveofourown.org/users/wortlby2/pseuds/Worts) my Renaissance beta.
> 
> A shoutout to everyone who's joined in the Good Omens groupwatches on the GOBB Discord server. You're as lovely as our favourite angel's microexpressions.

### Hell, 1793 A.D.

Are you watching?

I was about to message you. I’m covering up _the rescue of an angel._ Your agent is _crazy._ He’s over budget and—

That’s why I’m here — _Gabriel never sent a note!_

Could you please expand on that?

Zira said that Head Office had cut his miracle allowance. I went through all the memos from all our Superior Officers in the past two years (half of them are from Stickler, btw, argh). Checked, double-checked, triple-checked. There’s nothing like that. And anyway, avoiding human sightings doesn’t count as a miracle. Zira could’ve danced naked in the hall of the National Assembly, if he wanted to. _He wanted to get caught._

It doesn’t make any sense.

Come on. It does. You know it does.

I don’t.

_Come on._

A wanted to be rescued by C, just because he wanted to see him.

_I was shipping them since Rome._

Do you mean that it’s your fault if they’ve been travelling around so much?

???

You just said that you’ve been _shipping_ them.

Shipping = _relationshipping._

I’m afraid that I have to ask you to use a language that I’m able to understand.

They’re _in love,_ just like I’ve always said.

Now, I know that you angels are obsessed with love, and you’re particularly fond of our agents, but...

Not the point. Zira loves everyone, because he’s an angel. He’s in love with C and  
Oh, sugar.

Oh, that’s an interesting problem, isn’t it? He’s in love because he’s got a personality, and this is actually a problem, as your bosses aren’t too fond of that sort of things.

_I’ve got a personality!_

Exactly. When was the last time you’ve had a promotion?

We don’t expect that. I’m an Archivist and Observer, third class, in the Celestial Hosts, and I’m proud of it.

That’s a lark. I outrank you. Your bosses don’t know what’s good for them.

You outrank me?

Second class.

That’s awesome!

You don’t seem to care.

Who cares about ranks, really? We’re two friends having fun!

I don’t think that your boss agrees with that, sweet dove.

Give Her some credit...

I’m a demon. Anyway, I’m more worried about Archangel Stickler.

Maybe. Anyway, I’ll have to protect Zira from himself. You look out for C — I trust you.

_Don’t do anything rash._

_Don’t worry._

### Heaven, 1799 A.D.

File: Hea_94617

Friday, 20th December 1799, 9:30am

From: Zophiel, Archivist and Observer, Earth Observation Department

To: Archangel Michael, Earth Supervisor

Most Glorious Archangel Michael,

Greetings and Blessings.

More than 5800 years ago, I had the honour of being assigned to the Archive in the Earth Observation Department of the Angelic Hosts; and it is in my role as Archivist and Observer that I am writing this letter. During the past centuries, I have followed our Field Agent Principality Aziraphale and his ceaseless efforts to thwart the wiles of the Opposition; in particular, I’ve admired the veritable duel of wits that he keeps on fighting with the Tempter Crowley (formerly known as Crawly).

I would therefore respectfully submit Principality Aziraphale’s name to be inserted in the New Century’s Heavenly Honours List. I believe that he is a true model of what an Angel is supposed to be.

I remain your humble servant,

Zophiel

(Archivist and Observer, Earth Observation Dept.)

  


  


### Hell, 1800 A.D.

My dear dove,

Do you finally understand why I tell you to _keep a low profile?_

Your initiative almost cost your A his post. If it hadn’t been for our C, he’d be back in the Head Office, possibly telling a story that doesn’t match the reports we’ve so carefully filed. And where would we be? I suspect that there’s more than one similarity in the ways our respective sides deal with agents who are perceived to fraternise with the opposition, and not for the best.

Anyway, we survived this one. But next time — think twice, and _run it by me, please._

R.

It didn’t take long for Kitty to come back with the reply.

You’re right. You’re right. _I know._ You’re right.

Zoph

PS: You’re right.

### Heaven, 1862 A.D.

How was the weekly stand-up with Stickler, sweet dove?

Do you think that they’re going to break up?

Are you thinking of what happened this afternoon in St. James’s Park?

I’ve just seen the records. I wish I could _kick Zira._

He’s being prudent. Blessing Holy Water would show up in your records, wouldn’t it?

Sure, but after all these centuries he must know that someone’s covering for him.

I think his mind is occupied by other problems.

Do you mean C?

I do. I’ve come to believe that there’s some merit in your theory.

Do you know, I — I don’t know. He treats C like _that._ He keeps reminding him of the Fall. He doesn’t trust him. That’s not love.

I think he wants to save him. He reminds me of a certain angel, sweet dove. Do you remember A’s face when C told him how he tricked Gabriel to keep him on Earth? He was terrified. And he does have a point, C is _reckless._

And reminding him that Hell will destroy him didn’t work, so he tries to be insufferable.

Precisely. By the way, C’s not wrong about the Holy Water.

What?! That was the only sensible thing that Zira said.

You don’t want to fall into the hands of our enforcers.

Rami, you

I’m safe. _Nobody minds an Archivist._

### Heaven, 1863 A.D.

File: Hea_948101

Monday, 6th July 1863, 9:30am

Request type: Research & Development Department — HIGHLY CONFIDENTIAL

From: Principality Aziraphale, Earth Field Agent

Status: APPROVED

Recorded by: Zophiel, Archivist and Observer, Earth Observation Department

We hereby issue

  * 1 (one) key to the residence of Tempter Crowley (formerly known as Crawly), as per information obtained by Agent Aziraphale.



Congratulacions, but why didnt you get this info before? Sandalphon

### Heaven, 1863 A.D.

Do you think it’s worth it?

If C doesn’t wake up, Zira has to take on his job too, or they’re going to replace him.

I’ll keep an eye on that Ineffable Idiot. I’ll let you know when he gets out of his bed. I’ll try to tell you about his missions as soon as I hear something.

Thank you.

Don’t mention it.

### Hell, 1939 A.D.

He joined the SOE?! Really? How did he sell it to your bosses?

He said that spying meant lying, so it was intrinsically bad.

Even against Nazis? They’re yours!

No, the humans did all of this horror without our help.

Sometimes I despair for humanity.

Welcome to my life. Despair — that’s the definition of Hell. Maybe because Upstairs told us that we were a hopeless case, and they showed us the door — or the cliff, if you want to be precise...

I don’t know. You’re different, Rami, I told you. Just like our guys on Earth — they keep on fighting, right? Even if it’s a mess. Zira’s doing his share too, cheering up people in the shelters...

His magic tricks are the only thing that’s scarier than the Luftwaffe, I guess.

Do you think that they’ll get back together?

C’s been careful to avoid A. But — do you know? I want to hope.

You know? Me too.

### Hell, 1941 A.D.

C realised what was going on before we did. He’s on his way there.

_It’s a church!_

You’re the expert, but I understand that’s how love works.

### Heaven, 1941 A.D.

File: Hea_958245

Tuesday, 15th April 1941, 11:30pm

Request type: Anti-Discorporation Miracle — URGENT

From: Principality Aziraphale, Earth Field Agent

Status: APPROVED

Recorded by: Zophiel, Archivist and Observer

We hereby URGENTLY issue the following item:

  * 1 (one) “avoid discorporation” miracle



### Hell, 1941 A.D.

File: Hel_1008164

Tuesday, 15th April 1941, 11:30pm

Request type: Standard Demonic Miracle — URGENT

From: Crowley

Status: APPROVED

Recorded by: Ramiel, Archivist and Watcher

We hereby URGENTLY issue the following item:

  * 1 (one) “save material item(s)” miracle



### Hell, 1941 A.D.

Yes, that’s how love works. I hope it won’t be a problem to cover it up.

I might’ve misplaced the file.

Attademon. ;-)

Don’t mention it.

### Hell, 1954 A.D.

You okay?

I’m holding up, but I wonder if they’ll ever take a night off.

From sheltering those boys from the police?

Yes.

They’ve clearly decided that they can’t love each other, at least let them help the ones who’ve decided to.

I know, but it’s every blessed night. Protecting the queers of Soho with an enemy agent — how long can they keep it up? I can justify it as “corrupting youth / violating decency law”, but how are you avoiding Archangel Smiter?

I pray.

Is that enough, sweet dove?

Of course! I’m an angel!

### Heaven, 1967 A.D.

File: Hea_958245

Saturday, 25th March, 8:00am

Request type: Blessing — Holy Water _(personal use)_

From: Principality Aziraphale, Earth Field Agent

Status: APPROVED

Recorded by: Zophiel, Archivist and Observer

We hereby allow the blessing of

  * 750ml (three cups) of Holy Water



RESTRICTION: to be used _exclusively_ by Principality Aziraphale or his next of kin.

### Hell, 1967 A.D.

Still protecting him.

Yes. Are you sure that the “next of kin” loophole will keep him under the radar?

Better than nothing. Thank you for the idea of the tartan.

As a sign that they are a clan? You’re welcome, but it was A who created a sett with both their colours.

Brown, blue, red, black.

Yes.

Do you think that C noticed it?

I doubt it. But I think that at least he realised that A loves him.

Zira could’ve avoided that “you go too fast for me.”

It was either that and getting out of the car, or kissing him and getting into trouble.

I won’t be over it anytime soon, though.

Me neither, I’m afraid.

### Heaven, 1985 A.D.

How are you holding up, dove?

Another day running around hospitals with our Guardian Angel. You?

I had to reject another request of curses against politicians. This one was marked as _“in bulk.”_ A field agent should know better.

He should wake up. How long have you been covering for him?

I stopped counting after three millennia. But I wasn’t thinking of that.

Ineffability?

Yes. It’s human beings who have to do the work.

I don’t know why they haven’t found a cure by now. Are you sure that Pestilence retired?

She retired, and you know why this is happening.

I guess so. They think they’re just  
That they deserve it, because they’re  
I know.

Yes. I can’t wait to see those politicians Downstairs.

Sandalphon wants to congratulate them, of course.

Of course — Archangel Smiter. The others?

Gabe is worried about the shoulder pads fashion. Stickler is studying whether is right or wrong to send unmarried partners Downstairs, even when they spend more than three years caring for their dying lovers. Uriel is waiting to see who wins.

### Hell, 2007 A.D.

Hey, demon.

Good morning, sweet dove. How are things going?

As usual. What are you up to?

I tried to miracle some decent milk in the office kitchen, and I just realised that my boss has put an unbreakable sigil on the blessed thing. So we’re stuck with skimmed milk.

We have only skimmed milk too. Gabe says that it’s healthier. But the tea is quite good, so we can’t complain.

You can’t complain because you’re angels. I bet you can’t even have a bit of watercooler gossip.

We don’t gossip, but we do informally exchange information.

I must say — not even our language department can keep up with the euphemisms of your office.

Your language department came up with “Cold War”.

Wasn’t that yours?

Nope.

I suppose that it was yet another case human creativity, then.

Yep.

Did you hear anything interesting, _informally?_

Funny you ask that. I heard that _something_ was going on, but I don’t know what’s up. What about you?

Apparently the Big One said “the game’s afoot”, but I wasn’t able to find out anything more than that.

We’ll see. Fingers crossed.

Indeed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The idea of the tartan as a sign of Aziraphale’s clan comes from [this Tumblr post,](https://bluebandedagate.tumblr.com/post/187971072711/a-discourse-on-tartan) and you can find more details about the pattern [here.](https://blatantescapism.tumblr.com/post/188259419739/a-discourse-on-tartan)


	4. Conspirators

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zophiel and Ramiel make plans for the Apocalypse.
> 
> Unfortunately, they don’t exactly agree on what these plans should be.

### Hell, 2008 A.D.

File: Hel_2536024

Wednesday 20th August, 2008, 7:05pm

Request type: Travel, Earth

From: Hastur, Duke of Hell, Enforcement Department

Status: APPROVED

Recorded by: Ramiel, Archivist and Watcher, Earth Surveillance Department

Get me and OUR MASTER’S SON to Satainc Nun Order of Sant Chattering Beryl convent.

With Ligur.

### Heaven, 2008 A.D.

File: Hea_203457

Wednesday, 20th August, 2008, 7:15pm

Request type: Observation and Location

From: Archangel Gabriel, Head Office

Status: APPROVED

Observed and Recorded by: Zophiel, Archivist and Observer, Earth Observation Department

Principality Aziraphale is currently

  * located at Sushi Koya, Mayfair, London, Earth
  * interacting with Itamae-san Kiyoshi Itō, in Japanese language (translation follows)
  * consuming human food (“sushi”) and drink (“tea”)



File: Hea_203458

Wednesday, 20th August, 2008, 7:19pm

Request type: Travel, Earth

From: Archangel Gabriel, Head Office

Status: APPROVED

Recorded by: Zophiel, Archivist and Observer, Earth Observation Department

We hereby request a descent to Principality Aziraphale’s location (Soho, London, Earth) for the following:

  * Archangel Gabriel (Head Office)



### Heaven, 2008 A.D.

The Hall. Now.

### Halfway between Heaven and Hell, 2008 A.D.

Ramiel was standing completely still. She vaguely remembered Zophiel’s suggestion of breathing, but she felt that just existing made her too loud. Anyway, Zophiel was moving enough for both of them, pacing nervously back and forth, running their hand through their hair.

“Is this about Armag...” they attempted to say.

The word moved through Ramiel like an electric shock. “Don't say it out loud. Don't.”

Zophiel looked wretched. “Do you think that there’s going to be a war?” they whispered.

“What do you think, sweet dove?”

“I think that I don’t want to fight!”

Ramiel hoped that the coldness of her voice were enough to hide her panic.

“That’s _treason,_ dove,” she said. “And it’s the death penalty for that — and I mean _extinction,_ not _discorporation.”_ The facade slipped, she began to shake. “Just being here with me... Lords of the Pit, we should go now.”

She was moving towards the stairway when Zophiel grabbed her arm.

“We should come up with something,” they said.

“Yes. We go back to our offices. We destroy all evidence of our relationship. We try to save our wings.”

“You can’t. Heaven’s fury is going to destroy all of you demons.”

Ramiel stopped mid-stride. She stood up even straighter. Six thousand years of Falling because she had dared to tell Michael that there was a more efficient way to keep track of... Not that it mattered.

“We have a fighting chance,” she said. “Actually, more than that. But I hope you understand that I’d rather not discuss it with _you.”_

Zophiel nodded.

“Well, I suppose that it could be worse. I’ll probably be assigned to logistics support, and you as well...” they said.

Ramiel’s expression turned into a calm that would’ve scared braver angels than Zophiel.

“And how is that any different?”

“It is...”

“I don’t burn you in Hellfire, I just make sure that the Hellfire is there. And you just bless some Holy Water; then, if it ends up on me, or on Kitty, well, you weren’t there, you just didn’t ask too many questions.”

“Wait...”

“You like to say that _I’m not like other demons._ That we're _friends._ Am I?”

“It’s more complicated than that. My mate Arariel says that they...”

“Pick a side. Now.”

“Listen. Maybe you could...”

“Come back to Heaven? It’s a bit too late, now.”

“It’s not too bad. You’ve seen me.”

Ramiel scoffed. “I have. _Proud Archivist and Observer in the Angelic Hosts, third class?”_

“I also said I don’t care!”

“Well, I do care,” said Ramiel. “I was burned once by your precious Heaven. Literally. I Fell into some nice boiling sulphur.”

“I didn’t do...”

“Of course. I just realised that I never asked — where were you during the last War?”

“I...”

“Were you fighting? Teaching me and my rebel siblings in arms a lesson?”

“I didn’t know you back then,” mumbled the angel.

Ramiel dealt her final blow. “So, if we hadn’t met, you’d be ready to kill me. Just like old times.”

Zophiel felt like the hall was spinning around them. They gasped for air.

“But we’ve met. It must mean something. A sign,” they said.

“Sure. I forget, sorry, everything’s according to Her plan,” said Ramiel, tapping on all her reserve of sarcasm.

“How do you know it’s not?”

“How do you know it is?”

“I know...” began Zophiel. But they were too tired for theological arguments. They barely had the strength to plead. “I just know that I don’t want to fight you.”

Ramiel should’ve savoured her triumph. Instead, she found herself ceding ground to the angel. “Well, it’s exactly what you’re doing, sweet dove,” she sighed.

Zophiel took a deep breath. They felt a bit steadier on their feet — just a bit, but it was enough. “Just... Let’s think about it. What would our guys do?”

_Get out,_ said a little voice in Ramiel’s head.

_And go where? To an office you hate? said another little voice._

The second voice won.[13]

“I don’t know. I haven’t seen their orders,” she said. “And anyway, you can’t compare their situation and ours — they’re on the field, we’re in the Office. It’s completely different.”

“It’s not different at all,” replied Zophiel. “First you choose to do something, then you do it. That’s all.”

“You _choose.”_

“Yes.”

“That’s what _humans_ do.”

Zophiel was unfazed. “That’s what our guys have been doing. If they can, we can.”

“I don’t think they’ll have much choice in this matter. It’s the Final Battle,” argued Ramiel.

Zophiel felt that the demon had a point, but they weren’t ready to give up. For six thousand years they had watched Aziraphale and Crowley; they’d gotten through uncountable staff meetings, Gabriel’s motivational speeches, Michael’s presentations, and “most beatific smile” group activities by thinking about _their guys._ But they knew the theory, maybe: not the practice.

But _their guys_ did.

“Wait. I know what we’re going to do,” they said, suddenly smiling.

Ramiel couldn’t help herself. “I didn’t know you were a prophet too.”

Zophiel rolled their eyes, but they kept on smiling. “I mean, I have a solution. _We follow our guys._ If they side for Heaven, we side for Heaven — relax, I don’t think they will. And if they decide to side for Hell, I’m giving you inside information — yes, I know it’s treason, but I bet that won’t happen either. But if our guys stick together, we’ll do the same.”

“And what if they don’t do anything?” asked Ramiel.

“We cut our contacts. We go to war. We accept that we’re on opposite sides.” Zophiel felt a shiver go down their spine. “You file your reports and help organise the supply lines. I... I don’t know. If we meet on the field when they’ve shoved a sword in our hands, I won’t fight you. Is that enough?”

“You should’ve been a Tempter,” said Ramiel.

Zophiel took it as a compliment.[14] “Just a humble Archivist and Observer — like you.”

Ramiel decided to cut the pleasantries.

“So, we’ll watch our agents for the next 24 hours — which is our duty anyway — and then we act accordingly.”

“Make it 48. The baby’s not with Crowley yet.”

“Too risky. 36 hours.”

“Done. Shake.”

_“Really?”_ said Ramiel, but she took the angel’s hand anyway.

“Good,” said Zophiel, cheerfully. “It’s 9pm, 20th August. They have until 9am on the 22nd.”

The thought of what they were doing slowly started to creep on Ramiel. _I’m making a deal with an enemy agent in wartime. Just because — why? Just because I want some..._ good company? _I’m a demon. As they always remind me. I need a way out._

Zophiel saw her gaze go blank. “Are you ok, demon?” they asked.

“Yes,” replied Ramiel.

_Maybe the agents will have more sense than us. Maybe they will rescind their Arrangement,_ she thought.

Zophiel took her words at face value. “Ok. Talk soon, then,” they said.

“Sure,” sighed the demon. “Goodbye, sweet dove.”

She turned and left as fast as she could while keeping her most dignified gait. Zophiel felt a bit worried, and very alone.

### Hell, 2008 A.D.

Told you so. With 8 hours to spare.

Tempter.

Ramiel considered what she’d seen.

Crowley had never been anything but efficient at his job. Unconventional in his methods, but efficient. Even with that blessed Principality on the side, he’d kept on procuring souls. Blessed Heaven, he had even used an angel to do his tempting.

And now _he’d mixed up the babies._ The most important job of his life, he had messed it up.

Or he’d allowed that nun to mess it up.

Not that it made any difference.

Ramiel weighed her options.

She could tell Zophiel. Should. They had agreed on cooperating, after all.

She couldn’t tell Zophiel. It wasn’t safe. _They’ll blurt it out in front of their Angelic Superiors, whether they want to or not, and if — when — there’s going to be a war, I’ll end up doused in Holy Water._

She should tell Dagon, yes. _Brilliant, yes, and she’s not going to double-check my past surveillance files and find out about six millennia of omissions. Not at all._

But Dagon, or someone worse, would find out, eventually.

Ramiel began to rehearse her defence. _“I assumed that the switch was planned, in order to give a double cover to the real Antichrist.”_

_Yes, it makes sense._

_No, it doesn't. Lord of the Darkest Pits, nobody will believe it._

_Well, we’ll burn that bridge when we get there._

### Hell, 2008 A.D.

File: Hel_2536031

Saturday, 23rd August 2008, 10am (I think)

From: Anthony J Crowley, Tempter

Recorded by: Ramiel, Archivist and Watcher, Earth Surveillance Department

To: you guys & girls & everyone, right?

Antichrist delivered. Everything ok. ttyl.

Ramiel filed the report.

_Nobody needs to know._

### Hell, 2013 A.D.

File: Hel_2971253

Thursday, 1st August, 2013

Request type: Clothes, Human

From: Anthony J Crowley (formerly known as Crowley, formerly known as Crawly), Tempter

Status: APPROVED

Recorded by: Ramiel, Archivist and Watcher, Earth Surveillance Department

We hereby issue the following items:

  * 1 (one) Standard Demonic “Mary Poppins” Nanny attire, comprised of
    * 1 (one) mid-calf skirt, black
    * 1 (one) shirt, black
    * 1 (one) pair of tights, 666 denier thick, black
    * 1 (one) ladies’ cravat scarf, red
    * 1 (one) pair of boots, black
    * 1 (one) pair of gloves, black
    * 1 (one) hat, black
    * 1 (one) umbrella, black, green parrot handle
    * 1 (one) bag, red calico pattern, bigger on the inside



_He’s never going to pull this off,_ thought Ramiel.

  


[ ](https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/605060135492255745/645205634475753482/rqusition.jpg)

  


### Heaven, 2013 A.D.

File: Hea_371145

Thursday, 1st August, 2013

Request type: Standard Miracle — Appearance, Human

From: Principality Aziraphale, Earth Field Agent

Status: APPROVED

Recorded by: Zophiel, Archivist and Observer, Earth Observation Department

We hereby issue the following items:

  * 1 (one) miracle “looking like an old gardener” (see attachment: “picture from The Secret Garden by Francis Hodgson Burnett”)



_Good Lord, protect us,_ prayed Zophiel. _I know that you’ll have to ignore a few things and give us Your undivided attention, but it’s the End of the World we’re talking about._

### Hell, 2016 A.D.

Hi there.

How do you do, dove?

Good. Still knitting that kitten — you said that the word is “amigurumi”?

Yes, it is; and yes, I’m still working on that project.

Thank you for the dinosaur, btw. Kitty did a great job sneaking upstairs. One day I’ll let you teach me how to knit, I promise.

I can't wait. Speaking of projects, how do you think our own little project is going?

I just wish our guys could stop _casually_ bumping into each other.

Do you think that the Dowlings are getting suspicious?

No, the romantic tension is becoming unbearable.

Indeed. How do you say it? You “ship” them?

I ship them.

How did A’s meeting with the Archangels go?

My colleague was hoverboarding in the room, we had a chat at the watercooler. He said that they didn’t even listen to what Zira said.

That’s good, isn’t it? Nothing to cover up.

He deserves better.

Do you mean that Heaven can make a mistake?

Her Plan is ineffable. Did you see C?

Yes, I snuck in the crowd. Everything seems to be fine, they believed him. C is a good actor.

Does he know about our part?

I think that he just believes that we’re incompetent. At least, I hope he does.

Why?

Because if he gets caught, he won’t give our names. How much does A. know?

Are we rare books, subtle theological points, fine dining, or C?

No.

So he doesn’t know shirt.

Point taken.

### Heaven, 2019 A.D.

File: Hea_4593643

Thursday, 15th August 2019

To: International Express Delivery

From: Archangel Sandalphon, Head of Enforcement and Smiting Department, Heaven

Copy sent to: Zophiel, Archivist and Observer, Earth Observation Department

We herebie request you to deliver the items to the Horsemen of the Apocalypse, as agreed in our contract dated year 1 A.W. (After War).

### Hell, 2019 A.D.

File: Hel_3517041

Thursday, 15th August 2019

To: International Express Delivery

From: Hastur, Duke of Hell, Enforcement Department

Copy sent to: Ramiel, Archivist, Earth Surveillance Department

Deliver the eytems to the Horsepepple of the Apocalypse. You signed the contract in 1 A.W. (After War), do your job.

File: Hel_3517043

Monday, 19th August 2019

Request type: Hellhound — size 666XL

From: Hastur, Duke of Hell, Enforcement Department

Status: APPROVED

Recorded by: Ramiel, Archivist and Watcher, Earth Surveillance Department

Get a Helhund and a Disposabel demon in cel 2549 tomorrow.

### Hell, Monday

Any news on your side? Are you watching our guys?

Yes. I mean, no news. I’m watching them.

They’ve sent a request for the Horsepeople.

I don’t know any more than you do.

I know.

Do you already know where you’re going to be sent when the war starts?

Our guys will save us.

Of course.

That boy is the worst — I’d climb over the fence and hug the dinosaurs.

I know. I’m still missing the punchline of that joke.

The dinosaurs? It’s Ineffable... Wait, what’s this Hellhound thing?

I told you about it.

No you didn’t.

Sorry, I thought I did.

Everything okay, Rami?

No. Yes.

Everything okay?

Sorry, I dropped a stitch.

What are you doing?

I’m working on a scarf. I need something short and simple — I want to complete it before the End Times.

We’re not there

Wait — what the flying flamingo, C?

What do you think? He’s a demon.

He raised that child! He _loves_ him!

Said the one obsessed with averting the Apocalypse at any cost.

Not like that!

It’s for the greater good, isn’t it? An angel should know about it, doesn’t your Ineffable Plan rely on something like that?

It’s different! That boy is precious!

That boy is insufferable and we all know it.

It doesn’t change anything!

Do you know what doesn’t change? C is a Tempter. He’s a demon. You can’t change that.

Wait, they’ve got a plan. My good angel!

“Entertain.” You do remember Nevil Maskelyne’s lessons? Because I’m quite sure that your Angel doesn’t.

He’s going to do fine.

I have to go.

Bye, demon!

### Hell, Tuesday

Ramiel smoothed out the sheet, dipped the quill in the inkwell.

  * _Strategy 1:_ Tell Dagon. “I thought that the exchange was intentional, to give the Antichrist a double cover.”

_Pros:_ Plausible excuse, we might win the war.

_Cons:_ I might get a demotion.

  * _Strategy 2:_ Tell Z (how?)

_Pros:_ I have an ally (?)

_Cons:_ The ally is an angel, we’re going against Heaven and Hell; they might not forgive me that I didn’t tell them sooner; if we don’t stop the Apocalypse we’re both dead.

  * _Strategy 3:_ Do nothing.

_Pros:_ More information to choose my next move

_Cons: None_




_What do you want, Kitty? Don’t you like the new toy?_

### Heaven, Tuesday

File: Hea_583780

Tuesday, 20th August 2019

Request type: Problematic Miracle — Minor Illness

From: Principality Aziraphale, Earth Field Agent

Status: APPROVED, with RESTRICTION

Recorded by: Zophiel, Archivist, Earth Observation Department

We hereby issue the following items:

  * 1 (one) miracle “unexpected tummy bug”



RESTRICTION: to be performed only on the Amazing Harvey and Wanda, Children Parties a Speciality

File: Hea_583781

Tuesday, 20th August 2019

Request type: Standard Miracle — Convincing Humans

From: Principality Aziraphale, Earth Field Agent

Status: APPROVED, with RESTRICTION

Recorded by: Zophiel, Archivist and Observer, Earth Observation Department

We hereby issue the following items:

  * 1 (one) miracle “get hired as replacement”

RESTRICTION: to be performed only on the wife of an American diplomat in London who’s currently being told that “you’re his mother, if the party sucks, it’s your fault.”




File: Hea_583782

Tuesday, 20th August 2019

Request type: Standard Miracle — Appearance, Human

From: Principality Aziraphale, Earth Field Agent

Status: APPROVED

Recorded by: Zophiel, Archivist and Observer, Earth Observation Department

We hereby issue the following items:

  * 1 (one) miracle “looking like a prestidigitation virtuoso” (includes: Harry the Rabbit, Dido the Dove, top hat)



### Heaven, Wednesday

File: Hea_583785

Wednesday, 21st August 2019

Request type: URGENT Traditional Virtues Miracle — Patience

From: Principality Aziraphale, Earth Field Agent

Status: APPROVED

Recorded by: Zophiel, Archivist, Earth Observation Department

Considered:

  * That any homophobic slur should prompt a reaction in any decent person,
  * That keeping the true Angelic form of Principality Aziraphale hidden from humans is of the utmost importance,
  * That the latter issue includes annoying 11-year-old girls, who might be troubled by the sudden appearance of a luminous being with 8 (eight) wings and 12 (twelve) eyes,



We hereby URGENTLY issue the following item:

  * 1 (one) miracle “Keep Calm and Carry On”



_Sandalphon can think whatever he wants, but that word is just vile. If it were up to me, her next birthday would be in an escape room without an escape._

### Hell, Wednesday

“Wrong boy.”

_They found out._

_Well, it was bound to happen._

Ramiel looked at her desk. The paper was sprouting words.

You watched the exchange. Did you know? And you didn’t tell me? Why? _You promised._ We shook hands. Where are you? Are you reading?

There was a blot on the last sentence, as if someone had spilled a drop of water.

_It was bound to happen._

_At least the pretence is over._

### Footnotes

13. There are many explanations for this victory. The one you’re thinking about is probably the correct one. Probably.↩

14. It was. Ramiel didn’t really feel like being nice to Zophiel, but she couldn’t help admiring a good (or, well, bad) Tempting when she saw one.↩


	5. On Opposite Sides

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zophiel and Ramiel find out that being apart from each other is harder than they thought.

### Heaven, Thursday

Zophiel sighed. Writing the report just reminded them of everything that could’ve been, if only — _if only Ramiel hadn’t stabbed me in the back. Maybe you really can’t trust demons. Maybe it was my fault. Maybe I said something wrong. Or maybe they’re right, we need the War. After we win, life will be better._

 _“But it won’t be as interesting,”_ said a nagging voice in their head, a memory of a sunny day in St. James’s Park. Zophiel had watched Crowley’s seduction of Aziraphale as if She Herself had created them just to observe that very moment.

_Shut up, said another voice. Do your duty. You’re an angel. That’s all you’ve got left, don’t waste it._

_And it’s not like any of this matters. By now, Rami has told her bosses where the Real Antichrist is._

File: Hea_583792

Thursday, 22nd August 2019

Report from: Angel Zophiel, Archivist and Observer, third class, Earth Observation Department

Subject: Principality Aziraphale, Earth Field Agent — Personality and Habits

After allowing Tempter Crawly (AKA “Crowley”, “Anthony J Crowley”) to seduce Man into Sin, Principality Aziraphale was demoted from the rank of Cherub and assigned to Earth as Heaven’s Field Agent.

Since then, he’s carried out his duties without incidents of any sort. In 1800, he was awarded a commendation in the New Century’s Honours. He’s meticulous, albeit with a tendency to slow down from time to time, and he’s been admirably able to hide his angelic nature from both humans and demons.

Principality Aziraphale spends most of his time in his residence in Soho, London, Earth. Said residence is also a bookshop, i.e., a place where human beings can buy[1] books.

He shows a fondness for food and other human activities such as non-sacred music, but we personally ascribe this to a desire to maintain his cover as a human being.

[1] “Buying” refers to the practice of exchanging money for material objects; in this case, books.

The nagging voice was saying, _they’re going to bully him in his own home, and you’re part of it._

_You’ve covered for him long enough,_ replied the other voice. 

They sent their report.

### Hell, Thursday

File: Hel_3520024

Thursday, 22nd August, 2019

Request type: Surveillance and Location

From: Hastur, Duke of Hell, Enforcing Department

Status: APPROVED

Recorded by: Ramiel, Archivist, Earth Surveillance Department

Tempter Crawly (aka Crowley) is currently sitting on his favourite chair in the study of his flat in Mayfair, London.

Communication is possible through his television screen.

_I’m done jumping through hoops for you, Crowley._

### Hell, Thursday

File: Hel_3520931

Thursday, 22nd August, 2019

Request type: Standard Demonic Miracle — Charming and Tempting

From: Anthony J Crowley, Tempter

Status: APPROVED

Recorded by: Ramiel, Archivist and Watcher, Earth Surveillance Department

We hereby issue the following items:

  * 1 (one) Demonic Miracle “Clean up Clothes”



_Thank Satan that we don’t mind useless miracles. Unlike_ the other side.

_That’s why we’re going to win._

_And you should know it, C. Why the Heaven are you still pining for that angel?_

_Hello there, Kitty, what do we have here? Is that... what? My dinosaur? Did they throw it away? Did you go Upstairs to steal it? What the Heaven, Kitty. Let the angel be. Your demon’s got work to do._

File: Hel_3520932

Thursday, 22nd August, 2019

Request type: Standard Demonic Miracle — Hurting Humans, Practical

From: Anthony J Crowley, Tempter

Status: APPROVED

Recorded by: Ramiel, Archivist, Earth Surveillance Department

We hereby issue the following items:

  * 1 (one) Demonic Miracle “Be careful what you wish for”



_Oh, this is a sweet— a good— a bad job well done. Maybe ditch the angel, now? Come back to Hell, and make life easier for everyone?_

_Why in the Nine Circles did you fall for... He was_ looking at your lips! _Batting his eyelids! Making sure that there was that blessed wall behind him, so you could slam him against it!_ “I’ve always said that you’re a nice” _idiot!_

 _“Intimate moment.” If_ someone I know _is watching, they’re enjoying this._

_Stop that, Kitty. I’m burning that thing, I swear it._

File: Hel_3520933

Thursday, 22nd August, 2019

Request type: Advanced Demonic Miracle — Hurting Humans, Control

From: Anthony J Crowley, Tempter

Status: APPROVED

Recorded by: Ramiel, Archivist and Watcher, Earth Surveillance Department

We hereby issue the following items:

  * 1 (one) Demonic Miracle “Shut Up and Tell Me Everything”



_Great. Nothing._

_And now onwards to — oh, Infernal Lord._ Protective camouflage. _I’m screwed._

### Heaven, Thursday

_Protective camouflage?_

_Oh, Good Lord. She doesn’t know where the Antichrist is._

_She’s going to be in trouble._

_Well, she deserves it._

_And we’re going to win the War._

_Now, Zoph, shut up and do your duty._

The nagging voice in their head was objecting. Something about not being alone. Something about having more in common with a demon with whom you share stories than with angels with whom you merely share orders.

_Shut up._

_Watch your agent. It’s duty. Not pleasure._

_Now, what...?!_

File: Hea_583801

Thursday, 22nd August, 2019

Request type: Standard Miracle — Classic Iconography

From: Principality Aziraphale, Earth Field Agent

Status: APPROVED

Recorded by: Zophiel, Archivist, Earth Observation Department

We hereby issue the following items:

  * 1 (one) Standard Miracle — “Let There Be Light”



_Showoff._

_Well — two days, and I won’t have to deal with these frivolous miracles. I’ll probably be extinguished for treason too — but I do deserved it, after all. Consorting with a demon._

_Oh, Zira. Stop it. I beg you._

File: Hea_583802-5

Thursday, 22nd August, 2019

Request type: Standard Miracle — Good Samaritan — BULK ORDER

From: Principality Aziraphale, Earth Field Agent

Status: APPROVED

Recorded by: Zophiel, Archivist and Observer, Earth Observation Department

We hereby issue the following items:

  * 1 (one) Standard Miracle — “get better soon” (human being)
  * 1 (one) Standard Miracle — “get better soon” (mechanical vehicle)
  * 1 (one) Standard Miracle — “the more the merrier” (tartan straps)
  * 2 (two) Standard Miracles — “not-so-heavy lifting” (road to bicycle rack; bicycle rack to fence)



_Good Lord, the demon’s face. He finds Zira obnoxious, and he wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. It’s as if he were the one who’s Tempted._

_No, don’t think about_ her. _She’s chosen her side, respect her choice. And it’s the wrong side anyway._

### Hell, the night between Thursday and Friday

Ramiel considered what she had seen. Aziraphale and Crowley’s plan didn’t stand a chance.

The Witchfinder Army was a joke. Both she and Zophiel had decided not to tell their respective agents about it because — _“the comedy value, come on.”_

Ramiel’s mind drifted back — just a few years, and everything was different.

Zophiel was arguing that Madame Tracy had every right to be in love with that complete fool, and she was actually a very sensible woman, _just look at how well she manages not just one, but two businesses! You should appreciate that! Don't you have a whole section in your files dedicated to “ruthless capitalism, women’s edition”?_ And then, of course, as Zophiel was — well — Zophiel, _“and she succeeds even without being_ that _ruthless. Best of Upstairs and Downstairs, right?”_

That angel had that way to see the best even in the worst. Especially in the worst.

_And that’s why they’re a fool._

_Well,_ thought Ramiel, _it was fun while it lasted._

_It couldn’t last._

Nothing was going to last much longer, anyway: with the protective camouflage, neither Aziraphale nor Crowley would ever locate the Antichrist.

The War was inevitable.

And Dagon was going to find out about those six millennia of fake reports. Hastur had the Spanish Inquisition one framed in his office.

Ramiel was going to meet the star of her favourite show. Unfortunately it was going to happen in a dungeon in Hell.

_I wonder if Upstairs will be kinder to Zoph..._

_Oh, why should I care?_

### Heaven, Friday

_“Sorry. Right number!”_

Zophiel almost found themself on the floor.

_Come on, Zira. Tell him. Not Gabe. We still have hope. We..._

_What am I thinking?_

The phrase _“put your money where your mouth is”_ suddenly appeared in their mind, the way a really bad hangover appears in one’s head after a night at a dodgy club where “hygiene” means that you drink your beer with a straw.

_Stop and think. She’s a demon._

_She’s your friend._

_I was just trying to save her._

_No. You were trying to save_ yourself. _You’ve seen more beauty with her than in all of Heaven._

 _She’s going to betray me. Again. She’s_ a demon.

_Come on, Zoph. You’ve known her for five millennia. You know that she’s so much more than that._

_I’m done being played by others._

_But you’re not done playing with the world. Not if you’re doing it with her._

They took up their quill.

_Good Lord, help me. Please. I’m just trying to do my best. I’m going to be very disappointed, if you let us get caught._

### Hell, Friday

I can save your wings. The Hall. You have 5 minutes.


	6. On the Same Side

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The good news: Zophiel and Ramiel are back together. That’s it. That’s all the good news.

### Halfway between Heaven and Hell, Friday

Ramiel ran downstairs — her clothes in disarray, her hair protesting against the hairpins and eventually overthrowing their regime.

“Are you crazy?” she shouted.

Zophiel stared at her, frowning and not saying a word. Ramiel went on, fuming.

“What the Heaven are you thinking, coming here with the war starting tomorrow? Get back before they see you, you... you _angel!”_

Suddenly, Zophiel looked at her as if they’d seen a miracle, as calm and bright as a sunny day in Hyde Park.[15]

“What are you doing here?” they asked.

“What does it look like? I’m here to tell you not to be an idiot.”

“Have you considered that this might be a trap?”

Ramiel paused. It took her a moment to process the angel’s words. _A trap._ The one thing she’d been expecting for six thousand years. She’d been expecting a war without quarter from Heaven, eventually. She’d been living in the constant war of Hell, of its backstabbing and its labyrinthine inflexibility.

And she hadn’t even thought that the message of an angel — even worse: the message of someone she had betrayed — could’ve been a trap.

“No. I haven’t,” she sighed. “Is it a trap?”

“No. It was a test.”

“Tests are traps. They’re one of ours. Nothing good ever comes from dividing people into _pass_ and _fail.”_

“So, aren’t you going to ask where the Antichrist is?”

“No, I’m asking you _why you’re here.”_

“What do you think?”

“I have no idea. I just know that it’s not safe here.”

“I’m here to tell you where the Antichrist is. If you want to know.”

“If you insist. I don’t care.”

“It could get you a promotion.”

“What?”

“You could call your bosses, here and now. _Captured an angel on the eve of the war.”_

“Don’t be daft.”

“What are you afraid of?”

“They’re going to hurt you!”

Zophiel smiled.

Ramiel heard her own words.

_They’re going to hurt_ you.

“I’m an idiot,” she said.

“That makes two of us,” mumbled Zophiel.

“I should’ve trusted you.”

“I should’ve trusted you, too. You, Ramiel. Not _a demon I’m going to convert._ And while we’re at it, I should’ve asked you if you’re actually ok with being called _demon...”_

“I’m proud of being one. _Rami,_ on the other hand...”

“Sorry. I hope you can...”

“...forgiven, dove. Do you mind being called _dove,_ or...”

“I like it. It reminds me of what we’ve shared. Good Lord, do you realise? Five thousand years. We’ve seen so much, together. You’ve taught me so much...”

“And you still refuse to learn how to knit,” joked Ramiel, almost blushing.

“Well, yes. But I checked the spelling of your seminar on demonic possession of humans _five times,”_[16] said Zophiel. “Maybe I’ll never be able to knit, but I can possess the owner of any wool shop.”

“You’re never going to let that go, are you?”

“Eventually,” said Zophiel, and they laughed. “And anyway, my point is... We shared so much, and we didn’t actually do it for a reason. We did it _just because it was you and me._ I always talk about the Ineffable Plan. Well, if that wasn’t Ineffable...”

They stopped in their tracks. Ramiel had turned paler than usual, and she was holding on to their arm.

The front door had opened.

A white-haired angel had walked in. He was wearing a cream-coloured jacket, an old waistcoat, and a tartan bow-tie.

When caught in the act of doing something illegal,[17] you should always act as if your conscience were absolutely clean. Therefore, running is never a good idea.

Ramiel and Zophiel, to their credit, didn’t run.

They just walked away in the same direction at a very fast pace.

They crashed together as they tried to get through the front door at the same time.

With a small bow, the angel gestured to the demon to go first.

Ramiel let out a nervous giggle.

They crossed the threshold.

And then they were in Shoreditch, London, Earth, the World.

It was noisier than they thought.

“A cup of tea with actual milk?” asked Zophiel, radiant.

“Don’t you want to check what _your guy’s_ up to?”

“He wants to tell Gabe where the Antichrist is. If he does, Sandalphon will be waiting for me when I get back. If he doesn’t, you and me still have a chance. Anyway, it’s not in our hands. So, tea or coffee?”

“I’d say we deserve some scones,” replied Ramiel. “It’s the end of the world, after all.”

### Going Upstairs, Friday

_Who were they...?_

Aziraphale couldn’t recognise the demon, of course. But the angel...

He rummaged through his memories. He never paid too much attention to anything in Heaven. _I’m safe here, there’s no need to worry or watch my back,_ he always tried to tell himself. It’s not like he could tell himself, _you don’t want to see, or you’ll hate this place._ Sometimes, lies seemed more angelic than truths.[18]

Suddenly, he remembered an office. A desk that was almost messier than his bookshop. A pile of reports. The only angel in Heaven who was looking at him as if his reports actually mattered...

_Zophiel. That’s their name. They’re my..._

_Oh, Good Lord. That’s why nobody checked the reports. They’ve been..._

_With a demon._

_Like Crowley and me._

_I set a bad example. May She forgive me._

As he was stepping on the elevator, he heard the angel and the devil giggling.

_I wonder what they’re laughing about. Probably nothing of consequence. Half of the times that Crowley makes me laugh, it’s over something so silly, something so trivial that I cannot put it into..._

_...it’s over something_ ineffable.

_No, I must be wrong._

Aziraphale found himself at Reception.

“Principality Aziraphale. I’d like to request an urgent meeting with the Archangel Gabriel.”

### Shoreditch, London, Earth, the World, Friday

“Two cream teas at table n.4. What do you reckon, Matt? Americans?”

“The ginger one _does_ sound like a terminal case of Anglophile who wants to speak like a gay British librarian,[19] especially now that she’s finally escaped to London with her best friend.”

“And what about the other one?”

“The way she’s putting up with a friend explaining that to eat scones _‘first_ you spread the jam, _then_ the clotted cream’? She’s an angel, fallen from Heaven five minutes ago.”

“Yeah. Considering that it’s cream first, jam on top...”

“It’s jam first, cream on top, you heathen!”[20]

### Hell, Friday

My files. Someone’s been in here.

Is the desk still tidy?

Yes. But the pictures

It was Stickler.

How do you know?

I know the type. I can almost taste it. They love order, it’s their favourite flavour of power. Smiter would’ve smashed your chair; watching you go down after they punched you, that’s his favourite flavour of power.

So, it could be worse.

At least they haven’t come for you yet. What’s your cover story?

What?

What will you tell them if they come for you?

I’m an angel. I can’t lie.

Fine. At least — act as if you hadn’t done anything wrong. People believe what they want to see more than they care to admit, and nobody wants to find out that they had a traitor in their office. And destroy all our DMs — Holy Water should do the trick, do you have some?

I can bless some. Perks of being an angel.

My sweet dove. Never change.

What’s _your_ “cover story”?

Something like “I didn’t keep records, I was too busy filing my nails. And the cabinet is a mess.”

But you love your records, and your cabinet’s your pride and joy. Nobody will believe you.

I always told you — nobody minds an Archivist. Nobody ever noticed what we did. Do you think they know who we really are? And I’ll keep an eye on what’s happening here.

Be careful. You don’t have to prove anything to me.

_You_ should be careful. Falling hurts.

I don’t think that  
Wait. Watch our guys. Battersea Park, the bandstand.

I’m watching.

No, Zira

What the

KISS HIM

Oh, dove.

Oh, demon.  
_“It’s over?”_

_“Have a nice Doomsday?”_

What now?

Now it’s our turn to do something, sweet dove.

### Heaven, the Night Before the Apocalypse

File: Hea_583854

Saturday, 24th August, 2019

Report from: Angel Zophiel, Archivist and Observer, third class, Earth Observation Department

Subject: Apocalypse, Signs of — URGENT

In the space of one night, we have observed the following phenomena:

  * disappearance of nuclear reactor at Turning Point nuclear power station, UK
  * resurfacing of Lost Continent of Atlantis
  * aggressive regrowth of Amazon Rainforest
  * appearance of underground tunnels
  * sudden displacement of humans of Tibetan nationality in the aforementioned tunnels



As some of these phenomena may have caused harm to human beings, we believe that they should be filed under “enemy activity.”

It’s all according to plans. Follow orders. Or else. — Sandalphon

### Hell, the Night Before the Apocalypse

File: Hel_3521852

Saturday, 24th August, 2019

Report from: Demon Ramiel, Watcher and Archivist, second class, Earth Surveillance Department

Subject: Apocalypse, Signs of — URGENT

In the space of one night, we have observed the following phenomena:

  * disappearance of nuclear reactor at Turning Point nuclear power station, UK
  * resurfacing of Lost Continent of Atlantis
  * aggressive regrowth of Amazon Rainforest
  * appearance of underground tunnels
  * sudden displacement of humans of Tibetan nationality in the aforementioned tunnels



As some of these phenomena are trying to correct the harm that human beings have done to themselves, we believe that they should be filed under “enemy activity.”

It’s all according to plans. Follow orders. Or else. Hastur

### An Office in Hell, Saturday Morning

Ramiel read Dagon’s comments and shook her head.

_It’s better this way. Definitely better than having her asking questions._

She tried not to think of Hastur. Then she tried not to shiver at the thought of Hastur. Then she decided it was useless, and she might as well do something else too, like losing Hastur’s request for a repair of the sewage pipes in the Enforcement Department.

_Well, time to check how_ my guy _is doing._

Crowley was pacing through his flat, sharing his theological musings with his throne.

_Come on, Tempter. Less drama, more action._

Ramiel sighed. Kitty was sleeping in her usual corner.

_I guess it really is our turn to do something, Kitty._

She got up from her chair. She checked her dress and her braid.

_The hairpins should hold for the first century of torments. The Infernal Lord forbids that I get hair in my eyes while they’re gouging them out._

She found herself smiling.

_I forgot how good rebellion feels. It’s like the old days, but against both Heaven and Hell._

She gingerly moved in the direction of the Enforcement Department.

### An Office in Heaven, Saturday Morning

File: Hea_585,602

Saturday, 24th August, 2019

Request type: Observation and Location

From: Archangel Gabriel, Head Office

Status: APPROVED

Observed and Recorded by: Zophiel, Archivist and Observer, Head Observation Department

Principality Aziraphale is currently

  * located at Battersea Park, London, Earth
  * walking and mumbling to himself (topic unclear)



_I hope they don’t ask for a record of that mumbling,_ thought Zophiel, rolling their eyes at Aziraphale’s tenth _“Oh, Crowley, why didn’t I...”_

File: Hea_585603

Saturday, 24th August, 2019

Request type: Travel, Earth

From: Archangel Gabriel, Head Office

Status: APPROVED

Recorded by: Zophiel, Archivist, Head Observation Department

We hereby request a descent to Principality Aziraphale’s location (Soho, London, Earth) for the following:

  * Archangel Gabriel (Head Office)



_“Lose the gut.”_

_No, Zoph, don’t think about the_ “I can’t believe you can be this clumsy and still be an angel!” _incident. You _actually_ are clumsy. Principality Aziraphale is_ burly.

_Or Gabe is actually a... Well. It doesn’t matter. You’ve got an Apocalypse on your hands._

_Concentrate, Zoph. “Our turn to do something,” she said._

_Let’s do it._

### The Switchboards of Hell

File: Hel_3522765

Saturday, 24th August, 2019

CONFIDENTIAL.

Record of PHONE CALL (Office of Duke Ligur, Unknown)

[unintelligible]

U: ...the demon Crowley might be playing his own game, word to the wise.

DL: Is he working for you?

U: No, I’m telling you, you can’t trust him.

DL: Why should I trust you?

U: Of course you can trust me. I’m an angel.

_Steady, now. Act natural. Chat five minutes, then run back to tell Zophiel._

“What’s the tea like, Vanth?”

“Shit as always, Ramiel. And since when do you bring us tea?”

“Since I’ve realised that staying in my office is boring, and you switchboard demons are so...”

“Yes?”

“Oh, bless it. I need a nail file. That’s why.”

“Stealth as always, Ramiel. And sorry, I’ve got only one left.”

“Oh, shame. Well, I’ll be on my way...”

### A Very Bad Office in Hell, 5 hours before the Apocalypse

Ramiel was back in her office. She didn’t know how she got there, but it didn’t matter.

_Zophiel._

She was reaching for the quill, when the door opened.

Ramiel’s worst nightmare was an unannounced visit from Hastur.

Her second-worst nightmare was an unannounced visit from Ligur.

She was currently in her second-worst nightmare.

“All hail Satan.”

“All hail Satan, Duke Ligur.”

“I will watch Duke Hastur and Our Master’s Son from your office. Best view in Hell,” he said, smiling.

“At your service, Duke Ligur,” said Ramiel, trying not to show any emotion.

“Of course.”

### A Quiet Desk in Heaven

Zophiel joined their hands, closed their eyes, and bowed their head.

_Mother, please bless Mr. Graham Bingham, of Soho, London, Earth. As he comforted Your Son Aziraphale in his loneliness, please send him a lover who will comfort him in hard times and share his joy in good times. Amen._

_And Mother, please, keep an eye on Zira too, if he keeps on walking around in Soho with his head in the clouds like that, he’s going to get discorporated by a taxi. I trust you. Okay?_

### Possibly the Worst Office in Hell

File: Hel_3523494

Saturday, 2th August, 2019

Request type: Travel, Earth

From: Hastur, Duke of Hell, Enforcement Department

Status: APPROVED

Recorded by: Ramiel, Archivist and Watcher, Earth Surveillance Department

Plane of Megiddo.

File: Hel_3523515-6

Saturday, 24th August 2019

NOTICE OF DISCORPORATION

Recorded by: Ramiel, Archivist, Earth Surveillance Department

We hereby record the discorporation of

  * Eric, Disposable Demon (demon reference ID n.315)
  * Eric, Disposable Demon (demon reference ID n.317)



Mode of discorporation: Supernatural Execution (Duke Hastur; wrong joke)

Ramiel was watching in horror.

_That could be me. That is going to be me. That’s going to be us, if I don’t warn..._

_Can Ligur read minds? Shit._

_Don’t even_ think _of the angel’s name._

Ligur was snickering. They seemed to suddenly notice Ramiel.

“What are you thinking, you?”

_Stay calm. Not a word. Not a thought._

“Just thinking of how to fine-tune the image, Duke Ligur.”

“Should we call the other guys from the department?”

“Why would you share your exclusive observation point, Duke Ligur?”

Ligur’s grin made Ramiel feel both safer and more terrified.

“Oh, here they come,” the Duke said.

Ramiel found herself in her worst nightmare.

### Hell, Pure and Simple

File: Hel_3523666

Saturday, 24th August 2019; time: 12:30pm

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT: WE WILL WIN!!!

From: Duke Dagon, Lord of the Files, Master of Torments

Recorded by: Ramiel, Archivist and Watcher, Earth Surveillance Department

CC: all

Our Master’s Son, AKA the Antichrist, AKA the Adversary, Destroyer of Kings, Angel of the Bottomless Pit. Great Beast that is called Dragon, Prince of This World, Father of Lies, Spawn of Satan, and Lord of Darkness, IS COMING INTO HIS POWERS.

The final battle is about to begin.

TAKE YOUR PLACES.

WE WILL WIN.

### Definitely the Worst Office in Hell, 4h 55’ before the Apocalypse

Ramiel was typing as fast possible, relying less on her senses (the room was spinning, spinning, spinning) than on millennia of knowledge of every infernal bureaucratic form, thanking _Someone, Whoever,_ for her lack of a heartbeat to betray her panic.

Hastur was screaming, the black blood dripping from his finger on all of her paperwork.

She’d looked for Crowley in Las Vegas, Lagos, Lalitpur, Leipzig, Lille, Lima, Linqing, Lisbon, Livorno, Louisville, Luanda, Leeds, and Luton before accepting the fact that she had to find him in London.

File: Hel_3523978

Saturday, 24th August, 2019

Request type: Projection, Earth

From: Hastur, Duke of Hell, Enforcement Department

Status: APPROVED

Recorded by: Ramiel, Archivist and Watcher, Earth Surveillance Department

That bastard Crawly.

Hastur disappeared, and Ramiel was left alone with Ligur. They were ominously tutting.

“You. Do you have those... Spanish Inquisition reports?” they asked.

“Yes, Duke Ligur.”

_Filing cabinet. Under ‘N’, for ‘Needless Cruelty’._ [21]

“Here they are, Duke Ligur.”

“Good.”

In a flash, Hastur was back.

### The Aforementioned Desk in Heaven, less quiet

File: Hea_585,839

Saturday, 24th August, 7:05pm

Request type: Travel, Earth

From: Archangel Michael, Head Office

Status: APPROVED

Recorded by: Zophiel, Archivist, Head Observation Department

We hereby request a descent to Principality Aziraphale’s location (Soho, London, Earth) for the following:

  * Archangel Michael, Earth Supervisor
  * Archangel Sandalphon, Head of Enforcement, Heaven
  * Archangel Uriel



_B..._ Bastards. _Doing that to a fellow angel. Just because he loves? What do you think we’ve been created to do, Uriel? Definitely not to suck up to the cool guys. To love and..._

_Ramiel’s a better angel than all of you. Than all of_ us.

_Crowley’s right._ No sides. _What you fight for — that’s all._

_Now, Zira, whatever you do, I’m here._

_Could you just do it quickly, please?_

### Hell, and This Office Isn’t Getting Any Better

File: Hel_3524178

Saturday, 24th August, 2019

Request type: Travel, Earth

From: Hastur, Duke of Hell, Enforcement Department

Status: APPROVED

Recorded by: Ramiel, Archivist and Watcher, Earth Surveillance Department

That bastard Crawly. Told you. His flat.

Me and Ligur.

“Watch and record, you,” said Ligur.

Hastur wasn’t even looking at her. Ramiel was too scared to waste her time wondering if that was for better or for worse.

The Dukes disappeared.

Ramiel didn’t allow herself to waste time in feeling relieved. She switched her surveillance to Crowley’s flat.

He was opening a safe, taking out a thermos.

_Be careful with that..._

_Oh no. He’s about to murder a Duke of Hell. I have to record every detail._

_Zophiel. Please wait for me._

### Footnotes

15. They looked calmer, actually. On a sunny day in Hyde Park you’re bound to deal with children who scream, ducks who pester tourists for bread, squirrels who pester tourists for nuts, Londoners who complain that tourists are pestering them.↩

16. The slides were written according to the standard demonic template: an animation of tiny red text on dark blue background.↩

17. Such as, for instance, fraternising with an enemy soldier less than 24 hours before the Literally Final Battle.↩

18. Some lies are indeed more angelic than truths, even if lies are always worse than truth.↩

19. This wasn’t true. Ramiel was actually an Anglophilia-phile. She thought that Anglophilia was one of Crowley’s best inventions: Hollywood movies with bad accents and Yet Another British Villain were enough of a nuisance to gain more than a few souls for Downstairs. Also, it must be pointed out that Ramiel didn’t exactly try to speak like a British gay librarian: she tried to sound like a Soho-based rare book seller who’s gayer than a treeful of monkeys on nitrous oxide.↩

20. The Great Scones Debate was _not_ one of Crowley’s. Actually, it had been involuntarily initiated by Aziraphale, who was simply conducting a few culinary experiments. Human beings had done the rest.↩

21. Not that there’s any other kind.↩

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [It's jam first, clotted cream later.](https://www.standard.co.uk/news/jam-or-cream-first-the-great-scone-debate-6720627.html)


	7. In Action

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Once more, Zophiel and Ramiel try to do what’s necessary. 
> 
> Also, a footnote about Crowley and pubs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a reminder that this fic wouldn’t have been possible without my betas Dee (who saved me from writing a chat like an old lady who’s been off the internet for ten years) and Worts (who did more than I could fit in a note). Thank you.

### Heaven, where an Angel is Hoping

Aziraphale’s call with the Metatron had been the most useful thing the angel had done in the past week — it had made him realise that the only person he ever should’ve called was Crowley.

And Crowley had slammed down the phone.

_Why?_

_Ramiel will know._

Demon. You there?

No answer.

_Please, Ramiel. Stay safe._

### Hell, where a Demon is Waiting

File: Hel_3547972

Saturday, 24th August 2019

NOTICE OF EXTINCTION

Recorded by: Ramiel, Archivist and Watcher, Earth Surveillance Department

We hereby report the extinction of

  * Duke Ligur of Hell



By: Anthony J Crowley (aka Crowley, aka Crawly), Tempter

_What did he just...?_

Ramiel was mesmerised. _Do it with style,_ indeed.

But there were more pressing matters: Aziraphale had come back to his senses, and he had finally, finally realised that... _well, it’s not like I can judge, angel. Been there, done that._

Now Crowley was running to his angel, who wasn’t answering his phone. 

Ramiel checked around her. The office was empty. Demons were pacing up and down the corridors, but they all looked too busy to mind a humble Archivist and Watcher.

She took out the DMs sheet.

### Heaven, Approaching the Final Battle

I’m here.

Are you ok?

They almost got C. He’s on his way to A. Hide them. He extinguished Duke Ligur, I don’t know what the Hea  
what’s going to happen here.

What?!

Self-defence. I think. But it doesn’t matter down here. _Can you hide A?_

I can. I will. I can do anything, I hate  
I hate

You don’t hate anyone, you’re an angel. You’re angry.

I’m through being nice. They’re not right. Just being in power doesn’t make them right.

Be careful, dove. I told you that Falling hurts, I wasn’t joking.

She is not nice. She’s Good. Not nice.

Sweet dove, listen

You know I’m right.

I suppose so. It’s just

What’s just?

I just realised that I’m in an office in Hell and I’m discussing the theological conundrum of Evil with an angel during the Apocalypse, and it’s not the most surprising thing that’s happened to me in the past ten years; which

Oh shit. Emergency.

Are you

I'm fine. Zira’s discorporated. I have to go.

### Heaven, where An Angel is Swearing for the First Time in Six Millennia

_Oh, shit._

File: Hea_585890

Saturday, 24th August 2019

NOTICE OF DISCORPORATION

Recorded by: Zophiel, Archivist and Observer, Earth Observation Department

We hereby report the discorporation of

  * Principality Aziraphale, Earth Field Agent



Mode of discorporation: Supernatural Incident (Incomplete Ritual)

_They’ll force him to report for duty._

Zophiel peeked outside their door. There were more than a few angels bustling around the office, pacing down the corridors like someone who knew exactly where they were going, what they were doing, and why it was the most important thing in the whole of Her Creation.

They didn’t know what to do. They only had a vague idea of where they could go. But they knew that it was the most important thing in the world.

_What would Ramiel do?_

_She’d stay calm, and be clever._

They grabbed a pile of old folders, put on their most collected demeanour, and walked out of the office without looking back.

### Hiding in Heaven (if that’s even possible)

Zophiel had never tried to hide.

For a first, they weren’t doing too bad.

 _Nobody minds an Archivist,_ Ramiel had said. She was right. Nobody was looking at them. Everyone was preparing for the War, everyone had orders to follow, nobody had space in their minds to ask questions: they just assumed that everything was perfect.

_Just act as if you haven’t done anything wrong._

It was working. They jumped on a hoverboard.

_Stay calm. Don’t fall. You can do it._

They peeked into the Armory.

_He should be here..._

He was.

_“I have no intention of fighting in any war.”_

Zophiel felt their heart soar with pride by proxy.

_This one takes the place of honour in my files on conscientious objectors: objecting to Heaven’s Holiest War, appealing to..._

Their musings were interrupted by a shouting match. Aziraphale was demanding to be returned to Earth; the Quartermaster was pointing out that he didn’t have a body.

_Ok, Zoph. You have to sneak him into the Corporation Department. You go in there and pretend that you have orders from Gabe, and..._

The Quartermaster was doubling down on the contempt for Aziraphale. _“You can’t possess them.”_

_“Demons can.”_

Zophiel’s heart was beating faster with every second.[22]

_Zira, you’re a genius._

Aziraphale had reached the Travel and Descent Globe.

_Oh Lord. I’ll have to guide him._

_Thank you for the slides, Ramiel._

### Hoping in Hell (if that’s even possible)

_Always the drama queen, Crowley. Getting drunk on whisky and Queen’s Greatest Hits, volume 1._

_Just stay there, please?_

She looked around her office. She found what she was looking for — it was sleeping on the top of the tallest cabinet.

_Kitty? Come here. Find our angel. They’re a clever one. They’ll know what to do._

_I just hope that there’s something they can do._

### The Switchboards of Heaven

_So, Zoph: you know the theory. You’ve read it five times._

_Pinpoint a human body, nudge the spirit._

_So, first thing: find a body._

_No. First thing, survive. Be practical, just like Ramiel._

_And remember: just because you don’t say the truth, it doesn’t mean that it’s a lie._

They rapped on the door.

“Hey Daniel! Just to let you know — I might’ve seen some whole milk in the kitchen. Want me to keep watch here while you get a decent cup of tea, before it disappears?”

“You’re a dear, Zophiel. I’ll be back in two shakes of a lamb’s tail.”

_Now: find a body. One near Crowley, wherever he ended up..._

Something fluffy brushed against their leg. Zophiel jumped back.

_Kitty! What have you got here?_

The Enterprise, Red Lion Street, Holborn, on the east side, almost on Theobalds Road, near the stop where they always get on the n.19 bus, there’s a polar bear on the sign.

_Proper directions.[23]_

_Oh, Ramiel. You’re a godsend._

### Watching from Hell

_“Did you go to Alpha Centauri?”_

_What kind of question is that, angel?_

_I hope that Zophiel’s watching them. What is it they always say? “Best. Love. Story. Ever.”_

_In the midst of the Apocalypse, of course, because you two couldn’t get on with it in the past six thousand years._

_By the Pits, I do sound like the dove..._

_“I have it! Look! Souvenir!”_

_Close your mouth, please, Crowley, we’re not a codfish. How the Heaven did you manage to tempt all those humans..._

_Well, I suppose that all of us have a blind spot..._

_“I just need to find a receptive body. Pity I can’t inhabit yours...”_

_...like an angel who doesn’t realise that every other word he’s saying can be taken as a come-on._

_Now, Crowley, sober up and get to that... Tadfield?_

_Good._

### The Switchboards of Heaven, again

_“A receptive body.”_

_Good point, Zira._

_Someone with Faith. Someone ready to embrace the unknown._

_But someone sensible, because in the past three days we’ve seen more melodramatic twists and turns than a box at the Royal Opera House._

_Someone who can improvise._

_Someone who can do more than one thing at once._

Zophiel almost punched the air.

Madame Marjorie Tracy Potts. _Courtesan, medium, businesswoman, people person in every possible good meaning of the word._

_Wandsworth, South-West London. It’s not Thursday, so she’s “drawing aside the veil.”_

_Yes, there she is._

_Ready to feel a bit like a demon, Zira?_

### Hell, Counting Small Mercies

I’m back.

Thank good  
Thank Someone, dove. Kitty’s here. “I’ve put him inside the businesswoman in love with the one-man Army”? What does it mean?

Your seminar on possession was useful.

What’s that face for laughing a lot like?

XD

XD.  
I truly needed something to lift my spirits.

What happened?

C is stuck on the M25.

Oh no. Did the sigil

Yes, it did.  
How’s A doing?

He’s told that old racist customer of Tracy to take a walk.

An angel through and through.

Now he’s having tea with Tracy. She’s made two cups, so he can have it without sugar. I’ve told you, she’s got class.

You’re right, you’re right. I know. You’re right. Is that what you want to hear?

The Witchfinder Army just woke up!

Is Mr Shadwell

In Tracy’s flat, long story.  
Zira’s just told him that we’re not gay as in happy, we’re Southern Pansies as in fork you.  
I want that on a t-shirt.

If we ever survive the End Times, I’ll make you one myself, sweet dove.  
How’s it going?

Zira convinced our Witchfinder to take the gun that was hanging on his wall and go with them...

That gun is probably the only thing that man can find, so... how do you say? “Small mercies”? But I’m still not sure that killing the child is the right thing to do.

You’re a better angel than I am.

And yet you’re not a more efficient demon than I am.

Oh no, I didn’t mean  
Sorry.

I know what you meant. I’ve put up with you for five millennia, dove.

Still don’t know how.

Must be ineffable.  
Oh no. Hastur’s recorporated.  
I need to concentrate on C.

### Hell, where a Demon is Puzzled

File: Hel_3581756

Saturday, 24th August 2019

Request type: Travel, Earth — NONCONVENTIONAL, URGENT

From: Hastur, Duke of Hell

Status: APPROVED

Recorded by: Ramiel, Archivist and Watcher, Earth Surveillance Department

Get me out.

_Telemarketers. One of Crowley’s, of course. Impaled on his own demonic deed, as usual._

_Maybe next time you’ll reconsider the virtu— the advantages of playing it simple, avoiding all those flourishes..._

File: Hel_3581757

Saturday, 24th August 2019

NOTICE OF RECORPORATION

Recorded by: Ramiel, Archivist and Watcher, Earth Surveillance Department

We hereby report the recorporation of

  * Hastur, Duke of Hell



Mode of recorporation: via animal form (maggots)

Ramiel desperately looked for a subsection of a subsection of an article of a collection of guidelines that would prevent the newly-recorporated Hastur to reach Crowley.

_Nothing._

It was either screaming from the rooftops that she’d rebelled,[24] or hoping that Crowley could still fight the Duke.

Silently blessing Satan, she filed in the form.

File: Hel_3581758

Saturday, 24th August 2019

Request type: Travel, Earth — URGENT

From: Hastur, Duke of Hell

Status: APPROVED

Recorded by: Ramiel, Archivist and Watcher, Earth Surveillance Department

The bastard

_You... Hands off his glasses. You might as well punch him and..._

_Oh, Crowley. I remember the 14th Century. Getting drunk with Dante, you_ did _have fun with that one. Trying to convince half of the Office that you had nothing to do with the Gossip Trilogy, that was one of the worst centuries of_ my _existence..._

 _Crowley. No. That’s an unbreakable sigil. You made it._ You know _it’s unbreakable._

_Crowley..._

_What the Heaven are you doing?_

_How the Heaven have you done it?!_

_And what the Heaven am_ I _supposed to do?_

* * *

### Footnotes

22. It didn’t have to, but they wanted to know what it felt like when a heart skipped a few beats. They expected it to be better.↩

23. You can never give too many details when pointing someone to a pub in London, since there are more pubs in London than names of London pubs. This phenomenon is the cause of frequent misunderstandings: the plan “we’re meeting at the Crown and Anchor at 5pm” usually leads to three friends waiting in a pub in Southwark, two friends waiting in a pub in Fitzrovia, a friend completely lost somewhere around Moorgate, and at least four friendships that won’t recover from the blow.

Crowley considered this one of his best ideas.↩

24. And, shortly thereafter, screaming all sort of things from somewhere far worse.↩

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to Lurlur for remembering all the details about the pub where Crowley gets drunk.


	8. Just Fantasy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ramiel finds out something important.

### Heaven, where There Isn’t a Form

Dove.

Yes?

How do you  
I mean, how does your office

Go on.

How do you deal with  
I don’t know how to describe them.  
Non-standard miracles?

Like what?

New miracles that have never been done, that have never been imagined. Do you have a form for those?

I don’t know. I’ve never seen one. Why do you

C just did one.

What?

He discorporated Hastur by driving through Hellfire, which is

Good news, why didn’t you tell me?

Just happened. The problem is that he didn’t get discorporated. He’s currently holding himself and the Bentley together. He didn’t request a miracle. _He didn’t even snap his fingers._ He just

God.

Taking the Name in vain, dove?

No. I mean — She’s the One who does it. We’re just filing the forms and getting bossed around. So C did it because it was Her Plan.

But this was nothing like a perfect Plan. It was more like C improvising. With style, but C always does everything with style.

~~Except kissing his angel~~

Wait. I’ve got it. It’s not Her. _It’s them._ Their imagination. You’ve done it too.

What did I do?

Your DMs. They work because you imagine the words appearing in my office, and I imagine the words appearing in yours.

It took me two centuries to come up with the DMs.

Human inventions take even longer, sometimes.

How are you so clever, demon?

You’re the one who invented this thing, dove.

WAIT

What now?

Zira’s done something non-standard too.

Passed through Odegra?

No, he did something to Madame T’s scooter. They’re speeding up  
They just passed through the sigil.

Great minds think alike. How’s the Witchfinder?

Didn’t faint.

I’m impressed.

We’re going to see more than one wedding, trust me.

Apocalypse first, weddings later, sweet dove.

:-)

Wait, C needs some help. Don’t worry, I’ll be right back.

### Hell, where There Is a Form

File: Hel_3592602

Saturday, 24th August 2019

Request type: Standard Demonic Miracle — URGENT

From: Crowley

Status: APPROVED

Recorded by: Ramiel, Archivist and Watcher, Earth Surveillance Department

We hereby URGENTLY issue the following item:

  * 1 (one) standard “decipher directions from old curmudgeon with a tendency to write verbose complaint letters to local newspaper” miracle.



_Well, at least we have a form for this._

### Hell, where There’s Some Cheering

You did it! He’s there!

And he’s trying to be... how do you say? _Smooth?_

He is. Look at the saunter!  
NOW KISS HIM.

I’ll settle for not leaving us in the hands of Mr. I’ve Got A Finger.  
“Army human”?

You’re rolling your eyes.

I am. Six thousand years of forms, and he still ignores basic

NO! Poor car!

You have to

Poor car!

Sweet dove, you

I’m on it.

### Heaven, where an Angel is Improvising

File: Hea_586001

Saturday, 24th August 2019

Request type: Travel, Earth — URGENT

From: Principality Aziraphale

Status: APPROVED

Recorded by: Zophiel, Archivist and Observer, Earth Observation Department

We hereby request an immediate transportation to a place where he feels safe for the following:

  * Young Soldier at Tadfield Air Base



### Heaven, a Place that Isn’t Home

What did you do, dove?

I let his mind pick a place where he feels safe.

You sent him home.

Yes, I think so.

Jealous?

Of what?

Don’t you wish you had a home to get back to? A real one, not a desk?

I’m an

Oh, come on. It’s not the End of the  
Sorry.

See? He’s back.

Finally. And requesting miracles _in bulk._

Go.

### Hell, where a Demon is Rolling Her Eyes but Still Doing Her Job

File: Hel_3592941

Saturday, 24th August 2019

Request type: Standard Demonic Miracle — Human Reaction — URGENT & BULK ORDER

From: Who do you think?

Status: APPROVED

Recorded by: Ramiel, Archivist and Watcher, Earth Surveillance Department

We hereby URGENTLY issue the following item:

  * 1 (one) standard “sweet dreams are made of this” miracle, to be applied to
    * All army humans at Tadfield Airbase



### Heaven, where Human Beings Make Miracles

Finally.

Finally. Let’s save the world.

Let’s not be stupid. Or — do you really think that _killing a child_

We need to save the world. Now.

Yes, but

Oh no.

What?

Oh no. Lady, _be sensible!_

She’s being sensible! _He’s a child!_

_There’s no time!_

We can still

What?

Oh, by the Pits, fine, you’re right, do it!  
What the

What the

Good luck with filling in this form, sweet dove.

Go to Heaven, demon.

Only if you’re there, sweet dove.

### Heaven, where a Form is Technically Correct.

Hea_586012

Saturday, 24th August 2019

NOTICE OF RECORPORATION

Recorded by: Zophiel, Archivist and Observer, Earth Observation Department

We hereby report the recorporation of

  * Principality Aziraphale



Mode of recorporation: supernatural event.

Zophiel considered the form.

_Mode of recorporation: supernatural event._

That was one way to say it. It was technically correct.

There were other ways of saying it. For instance, there was the honest one.

_Antichrist taking pity on the Angel who tried to kill him._

You could add a bit of context.

_A woman tells an Angel that a child is more precious than a perfect plan. A boy imagines a better world._

Or you could get to the core of things.

_Human beings can imagine a kinder world. When they do it, they’re more powerful than angels._

Or you could make it more personal.

_Ramiel was right._

_Always so clever, my demon,_ thought Zophiel with a smile.

### Hell, where It’s Not The End

I’m back, demon.

Welcome back, sweet dove.

The kids are alright, I see.

They’re facing War, Pestilence, Famine and DEATH.

Wait! Now they’ve got a sword! An ethereal sword!

I don’t think that’s how it works. The last time a human being had that sword...

GO PEPPER!  
You were saying?

The last time, they were not Pepper.

I love this messy kid.  
You’re rolling your eyes again.

Yes.  
But I like this one.

And the dog! I didn’t know Hellhounds were so awwwwww!

Me neither. Apparently, they can be.  
Wait.

Did the boy just sass DEATH?

He did. He told DEATH that one day they’re going to beat him.

And DEATH went away.

For now. But yes, he did.

Can I ask you something without you telling me to go to — wherever?

Do you really need my permission to say things?

Fine.  
Does the boy  
Does he look like his dad?

_No._

Sorry.

I’m not one to stifle curiosity, sweet dove.

Oh, Book Girl! She found a boyfriend too!

Book girl? The young lady with the bicycle?

Yes! She’s the one who lost that prophecy book that

You’re going to tell me later. If you don’t mind, I’m going to have a cup of tea.

Good idea. Me too.

### Hell, where Some Torturing is Going On

File: Hel_3593666

Saturday, 24th August 2019

IMPORTANT: Buzzwords

From: Duke Dagon, Lord of the Files, Master of Torments

Recorded by: Ramiel, Archivist and Watcher, Earth Surveillance Department

CC: all

Remember: we are

TOUGHER!

SMARTER!

MORE DANGEROUS!

(To be repeated until the End and for the following Eternities.)

### Heaven, where Some Convincing is Going On

File: Hea_586066

Saturday, 24th August 2019

IMPORTANT: Mission Statement

From: Archangel Michael, Holy Warrior-in-Chief, Earth Department

Recorded by: Zophiel, Archivist and Observer, Earth Observation Department

CC: all

Remember: we are

MIGHTIER!

HOLIER!

MORE RIGHTEOUS!

(To be repeated until the End and for the following Eternities.)

### Hell, where There’s a Problem

It’s a  
No.  
They’re ignoring what the humans did. They’re in formation.

I’m having the same problem.

Forms are piling up here.

Hang on in there, sweet dove.

You too, demon.

### Heaven, Travelling in Style

File: Hea_586067

Saturday, 24th August 2019

Request type: Support, Fashion — URGENT

From: Archangel Gabriel, Head Office

Status: APPROVED

Recorded by: Zophiel, Archivist and Observer, Earth Observation Department

We hereby approve the following request:

  * dressing room with good mirror and lightning for check of attire before travel.



File: Hea_586068

Saturday, 24th August 2019

Request type: Travel, Earth — URGENT

From: Archangel Gabriel, Head Office

Status: APPROVED

Recorded by: Zophiel, Archivist and Observer, Earth Observation Department

We hereby request a descent to Tadfield Airbase, Earth (lightning in the tones of mauve and blue) for the following:

  * Archangel Gabriel (Head Office)



### Hell, Travelling in Style

File: Hel_3593667

Saturday, 24th August 2019

Request type: Support, Fashion — URGENT

From: Beelzebub, Lord of the Flies, Prince of Hell 

Status: APPROVED

Recorded by: Ramiel, Archivist and Watcher, Earth Surveillance Department

A dressing room with good mirror and lightning, I need to check my look. Now.

File: Hel_3593668

Saturday, 24th August 2019

Request type: Travel, Earth — URGENT

From: Beelzebub, Lord of the Flies, Prince of Hell

Status: APPROVED

Recorded by: Ramiel, Archivist and Watcher, Earth Surveillance Department

We hereby request a ascent to Tadfield Airbase, Earth (fire in the tones of bright red) for the following:

  * Lord Beelzebub (Head Office)



### Heaven, where an Archangel is Watching

There was a light knocking at the door, the kind of knocking that says “may I come in, please?” and means “I’m coming in, _or else.”_

Zophiel got up from their chair and went to open the door. They weren’t too surprised to see Michael.

“Welcome, Most Holy Archangel...” they began.

The Archangel’s polite smile was utterly terrifying.

“You don’t mind if I watch the latest developments of the War from your Observation point, Zophiel — do you?”

“Please, Archangel, here’s my chair.”

_Am I overdoing it?_

“Would you also like a cup of tea, Archangel?”

_Yes, I’m overdoing it. Calm down, Zoph._

Michael kept on smiling. Even worse — they raised an eyebrow.

“I am fine, Zophiel. Even if — have you seen what happened to the Horsepeople? Peculiar things seem to be happening... Oh, isn’t that Principality Aziraphale? Next to... can you recognise that demon?”

Zophiel panicked.

_Act as if you haven’t done anything wrong. People believe what they want to see more than they care to admit, and nobody wants to find out that they have a traitor in their office._

“Crowley, formerly known as Crawly, Tempter of Eve, Archangel.”

“Oh. He seems to know our Aziraphale quite well.”

_People believe what they want to see._

_Remember the “I can’t believe you can be this clumsy and still be an angel!” incident? Michael was nodding along._

Zophiel tried to pack six thousand years of enthusiasm in ten words.

“Of course! He’s kept him under close surveillance for millennia!”

Michael gaped at them in disbelief. Zophiel prayed for a distraction.

Someone listened, or maybe it was just beginner’s luck applied to high treason. Aziraphale had left his demon’s side and was arguing with Gabriel.

In matters of theology, Zophiel had always leaned toward the “don’t ask too many questions, just go along with an enthusiastic support for Her creation” school. Whenever Aziraphale and Crowley had argued about Free Will and the Great Plan over a glass of scotch,[25] they’d mostly hoped that their guys’ bickering could lead to _something else,_ and left the scholarly commentary to Ramiel.

Right now, thanks to Aziraphale, they were enjoying a theological argument for the first time in their existence. It might’ve had something to do with the fact that said argument was in favour of what they’d tried to accomplish for the past eleven years, or that it sounded a lot like a very rude gesture to their most insufferable boss.

They almost enjoyed watching Michael’s face turning pale as well, before finding themself on the wrong side of a stare that could’ve frozen Heaven, Hell, and everything in between.

The Archangel left the office without saying a word. Zophiel felt as if they were already politely asked to return their wings, their corporation, and their soul.

### Hell, where Someone is Shouting

A DM appeared.

Just one line.

Save your beautiful wings, demon.

_They’ve caught them._

_And by the Deepest Pits, I’m next.[26]_

_Never go down without a fight, Ramiel._

_The DMs — in the bin._

_Hellfire._

A fingersnap.

The DMs turned to ash.

_Good. Now, calm yourself, Ramiel. You know what to do. Deny everything, lie through your teeth, hope..._

_Hope in Hell. Well, if you can imagine it, it’s just another miracle._

Ramiel could hear the shouting that was coming from zer office. Something about “the traitor.”

Then, “get me a line to Him,” and “His boy, _that brat.”_

Then something about “the traitor” again. _“The traitor and his boyfriend, now we’re going to see...”_

Then someone was barging through the door.

_Oh no, not..._

“You don’t mind if we watch the match from your office, sweetie, right?”

The someone wasn’t Hastur. Ramiel felt almost giddy.

“Do you have that nail file, Vanth?”

“Here,” huffed the switchboard demon. “Take it. Now scoot over, Rami. You know what happened, right?”

“I know that Crowley’s made a mess of things.”

“Better. _He’s fucking an angel._ I mean, I bet that he’s the...”

Ramiel tried to tune her out, while seven more demons were crowding her office.

The images from Tadfield were showing an angel. He was raising an antique sword.

### Heaven, where Someone is Shouting Even More

The Archangel Gabriel was shouting. Zophiel could make out something about _“and that sad excuse of an angel tries to have some_ free will, _as if he were_ human, _and he stands there with that demon, so much for_ “he’s never noticed me, it’s a miracle, he keeps me on my toes,” _that_ traitor, _hiding in plain sight with his_ boyfriend _for centuries, as if we weren’t constantly following and documenting...”_

Michael’s soft voice interrupted the rant.

“Gabriel, this only confirms that we were right to be cautious. We knew of Aziraphale’s little... indiscretions. Of course, something like averting the Apocalypse is on a completely different scale. I think we should make sure that he wasn’t helped by someone in the Office.”

_Oh, no._

Sandalphon, enjoying every word.

“Get his Observer. Now.”

_Oh, no. It’s happening._

Some steps in the corridor. They were coming in their direction.

_Stay calm. Fight until the end, and then some._

_Ramiel’s DMs._

They looked around, desperately.

_Holy Water. Good Lord, please._

The steps were getting closer.

_The water to dilute the ink._

They closed their eyes, reached out with their hand.

_Lord, bless this..._

The steps were almost at their door.

_All the sheets of paper in the bin. Douse with the Holy Water._

The messages crinkled and disappeared.

_Thank you, Lord._

The step halted.

The door swung open.

Arariel entered, glaring at Zophiel with utter contempt.

“Angel Zophiel. You are under arrest for high treason and cooperation with the Opposition. Follow me. Leave your desk as it is.”

Zophiel was overwhelmed with the hope that an old mate would see them as more than an order to obey.

“Arariel...” they pleaded.

“Angel Zophiel, your orders are to be silent unless questioned.”

There was nothing they could do but to obey.

They got up, adjusted their jacket, and tried to prepare for the worst.

_At least we’ve stopped the War. I hope You’re happy, Blessed Lord. Because I’m just terrified._

### Hell, where Many Demons are Watching

_“Come up with something, or...”_

The demons in Ramiel’s office were giving a somber tactical analysis of the situation. That is, Vanth and Verrier were betting on “the angel’s going to behead him,” Rosier on “the angel’s going to bed him,” and the clique of the succubi was just shouting variations on a theme of “come on, Crawly!”

_“Or I’ll never talk to you again!”_

Ramiel joined her colleagues in a chorus of _“oh, you bastard!”_

She barely had the time to consider the paradox of how two demons can yell the same thing while hoping for two opposite outcomes, when the images from Earth went blurry.

“What the Heaven, Rami?” asked Belias. “I thought you’d done all the required updates!”[27]

“Interference. It sometimes... oh, here they are!”

The cherubic Son of Satan was standing on the tarmac; an angel with a flaming sword was guarding his right, on his left there was a demon brandishing a tire iron.

And in front of him, the Adversary Himself was emerging from the ground.

The office exploded in cheers and shouting of “Go Boss! Show him!”

The blond boy was standing his ground, and saying something strange.

_“You’re not my dad.”_

The demons started booing, then realised that the brat was still His Father’s son and decided to wait for further developments.

_“Dads don’t wait until you’re eleven to say hello, and then turn up to tell you off. If I’m in trouble with my dad, then it won’t be you.”_

_Oh, shit,_ thought Ramiel. _This boy is telling a story._

_He’s imagining a different world._

_“You’re not my dad.”_

_He’s worse than Crowley. He goes forward..._

_“You never were.”_

_...and backwards._

The screen almost exploded. There was smoke coming out of the cabinets where the last eleven years of demonic activity were filed.

While her colleagues were busy panicking, Ramiel just wished she had Someone to thank.

_I can always thank the boy. And imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, as that gentleman used to say._

“Everyone, fuck the fucking fuck out!” she shouted.

She shooed everyone out, locked the door, and sat back at her desk. Kitty jumped on her lap, purring.

_Yes, Kitty. There’s a nice fire._

She enjoyed the sight of the flames destroying the records of all the miracles and reports and memos connected to the Great Plan.

It was not her fault that her Lower Downs had connected _everything_ to the Great Plan.

_And now, Kitty, we’re going to use our imagination. We’re going to write down a story, the way that humans do._

_Ok, leave the quill to me. Here’s a nice ball of wool. You can play with that, ok?_

### Hell, where a Demon is Writing a Story

Here’s a story, believe it or not.

_Once upon a time, a Principality and a Tempter met on the Wall of the Garden of Eden._

_According to the files kept in Hell’s Surveillance Department, they circled around each other for the following six millennia. The Principality had never been able to fully thwart the wiles of the Tempter, although he had won some minor battles. The Tempter had always been a precious asset for his side — which was, beyond any reasonable doubt, Downstairs._

_To be fair, the aforementioned Surveillance Files were often incomplete, as if the demon in charge of the job had been a beta tester at the Deadly Sins Department, Sloth Section._

_She was a demon, after all. You couldn’t expect her to do a good job. Especially because she was so bored, being on her own all the time._

_At the standard company retreat, the demon had been assigned a standard animal: a standard lizard. Unfortunately, the standard lizard had been eaten by a non-standard cat. The demon couldn’t have done anything to prevent it, as this cat didn’t belong to her, or to anyone except herself._

Kitty decided to ignore her ball of wool in favour of gently poking Ramiel with her head.

_Yes, that’s you, Kitty._

_Yes, you’re free. Although I suspect you always have been._

_There’s just one last thing I need to ask you. Can you do it?_

_Good._

_Because if we’re going to save ourselves, we need to save our angel too._

### Footnotes

25. Or two, or three. Or a bottle. Throughout the course of history, high-proof spirits have often prompted the search for proofs of spiritual conundrums.↩

26. Ramiel tried not to think _“and I’m the next one to be sent into the Deepest Pits,”_ though it would’ve been a very realistic analysis of her situation.↩

27. Ramiel had actually always kept her instruments thoroughly updated, especially when the patches arrived three minutes before a coffee break. She enjoyed the process of installing the new software, watching it crash, and then filing a complaint that sent someone to the circle of Hell where software engineers who neither test nor comment their work were forced to write “Hell is Other People’s Code” on a whiteboard until the end of eternity.  
She was a demon, after all.↩

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, thank you to my beta Dee and Worts, who told me to cut on a cliffhanger.


	9. Changes

### Hell, where a Demon is Still Writing a Story

Here’s the rest of the story.

_One day, the world didn’t end. This led to a restructuring of Hell. The Lower Downs soon realised that a post-Apocalypsn’t[28] world needed a more flexible approach to the challenge of dragging souls to eternal torment. The world had refused to end in an atomic bang; they decided that corporate greed could yield a much better return on investment._

_As a result of this reorganisation, the demon in charge of Earth Surveillance was chosen as the sole auditor of the Earth Temptation division, where the former employee had been involved in corporate espionage and insider trading; she was also to be the sole new trader and brand ambassador for the planet, with an unlimited budget._

Kitty was purring. Ramiel set down the quill and scratched her under the chin.

_I told you, Kitty. So many mice, and wool, and toys. And trust me, it’s not going to be just the two of us._

_And here comes the difficult bit._

The demon buried her face in her hands.

 _I don’t know if You Up There are listening. But if You let anything happen to Zoph_ I’m going to make You listen.

She took up the quill again.

_Meanwhile, Heaven had also decided to take steps towards corporatisation; and just as had happened Downstairs, the Earth franchise of the brand was given to the angel who had been formerly in charge of the Earth Observation Files. It’s true that there had been some doubts about the angel’s commitment to company values; but any peculiarity of the angel’s behaviour was ultimately taken to be a proof of their enthusiasm, which, united with their thorough knowledge of the local market, made them the perfect candidate for the role._

Ramiel sighed.

_Well, here we go. My first story. I hope it’s enough._

_Now, Kitty, there’s one last thing, and it’s up to you._

### Heaven, where an Angel is Telling a Story

File: Hea_586067

Saturday, 24th August 2019, 17:05

RECORD OF QUESTIONING

To determine whether: Zophiel, angel

Is innocent of: High Treason, Collaboration with the Enemy

Present in the room:

  * Angel Zophiel (ACCUSED)
  * ARCHANGEL MICHAEL, Supervisor, Earth Department
  * ARCHANGEL SANDALPHON, Supervisor, Enforcement and Smiting Department



Also present:

  * ANGEL ARARIEL, Enforcer, Second Class, Enforcement and Smiting Department



[A. MICHAEL is sitting behind a desk, there’s a chair on the other side. A. SANDALPHON is standing next to A. MICHAEL.]

A. MICHAEL: Welcome, Zophiel. As I’m sure you understand, we have a few questions. Sit down.

[ACCUSED sits on the chair.]

A. SANDALPHON: How did you do it?

ACCUSED: I’m sorry... I know I must’ve done something... something wrong. But I don’t know what. What was it?

A. SANDALPHON: You know what you’ve done.

ACCUSED: I’m sorry. I don’t know. I can’t think of anything wrong that I did.

A. SANDALPHON: Think better.

ACCUSED: I’m sorry.

A. SANDALPHON: Not sorry enough to talk, it seems.

ACCUSED: I don’t know what you want!

A. MICHAEL: Zophiel, don’t be stupid. Think. Confess. Heaven can have infinite mercy, remember that.

ACCUSED: I... I don’t know... oh no.

A. SANDALPHON: Tell us how you did it.

ACCUSED: I... It was the dinosaurs. I know there’s a joke that She made, right? But it’s ineffable. Everybody knows that, right? But I wanted to see if I could... If I could see the joke. It’s Pride, I know. I know. I’m sorry. Please, don’t... please.

A. MICHAEL: Zophiel, nobody cares about the dinosaurs. You know that’s not it.

A. SANDALPHON: You helped the traitor and his boyfriend. A demon.

Accused: Is there a traitor? Where?

A. SANDALPHON: [moving on the side of the table where the ACCUSED is sitting] The one you helped.

ACCUSED: How can an angel commit treason?

A. SANDALPHON: So you know that the traitor is an angel.

ACCUSED: Well, a demon is always a traitor, so if you’re worried... it must be... oh Good Lord. Not him.

A. MICHAEL: Zophiel, if you tell us everything, we will find a solution.

A. SANDALPHON: Say his name.

ACCUSED: Oh no. It can’t be. You mean... Principality Aziraphale. He... No. He can’t be a traitor. He’s been fighting since the Beginning!

[A. MICHAEL shows Evidence 1 to the ACCUSED.]

A. MICHAEL: Zophiel, these pictures are from your files. You told me that there have been multiple interactions between Aziraphale and the Tempter...

ACCUSED: Yes! He’s kept him under constant surveillance!

A. MICHAEL: How do you justify the discrepancies between the records of Aziraphale’s miracles and the visual evidence that put him elsewhere?

ACCUSED: He asked the demon to perform them. Which... come on, it’s amazing! He convinced a demon to do miracles!

A. MICHAEL: Didn’t you ever think that Aziraphale could be a traitor?

ACCUSED: No!

A. MICHAEL: Why?

ACCUSED: He’s an angel, he can’t actually do anything wrong!

A. SANDALPHON: So you think you can’t do anything wrong either.

ACCUSED: Well... no. No, I get so much wrong. But... but I’m just an archivist. Third class. I’m not a Principality.

A. MICHAEL: Is that why you didn’t report Aziraphale? Because he’s your superior?

ACCUSED: Yes! I trusted him to know better! And the miracles were always done on time, and so well! I... [they cry]

A. SANDALPHON: [coming closer to the Accused] You what?

ACCUSED: [cries]

A. SANDALPHON: [puts his hand on the ACCUSED’s shoulder] Speak up.

A. MICHAEL: Sandalphon. Please step back. Zophiel is an angel in my department.

A. SANDALPHON: [steps back]

A. MICHAEL: Zophiel.

ACCUSED: [crying] I’m sorry.

A. MICHAEL: You were saying something.

Accused: [still crying] I’m sorry.

A. MICHAEL: Sandalphon, wait outside, please.

[A. SANDALPHON leaves the room.]

[A. MICHAEL gets up and stands next to the ACCUSED. Miracles a handkerchief, gives it to ACCUSED, who dries their eyes and stops crying.]

A. MICHAEL: Zophiel. You admired Aziraphale, didn’t you?

ACCUSED: Yes.

A. MICHAEL: Why?

ACCUSED: He got... he got so much done. On Earth. All those miracles. I wanted to be like him. To do... to do things.

A. MICHAEL: You wanted to be on Earth.

ACCUSED: I want to be where I need to be. I am an angel.

A. MICHAEL: Oh, Zophiel. You really are too clumsy to be an angel, sometimes.

ACCUSED: I know.

A. MICHAEL: But I suppose that She made you this way, and that we’ll have to work with what we have.

[A. MICHAEL goes back to their chair. They sign a release form.]

A. MICHAEL: Angel Zophiel, you are declared innocent. You can go.

A. ZOPHIEL: Thank you, Archangel. What are my orders now?

A. MICHAEL: Keep on watching Aziraphale. Write a detailed report.

A. ZOPHIEL: Yes, sir. Thank you. I will try to do better.

A. MICHAEL: I am sure you will. And maybe, in time, we will find you something that’s a better match to your skills, Zophiel. But in the meanwhile, you’re still an Archivist and Observer. Do your duty.

A. ZOPHIEL: Yes, Archangel.

[end of questioning]

### Heaven, where an Angel Has Been Saved

Zophiel looked around their office. This time the search had clearly been conducted by Sandalphon. All the drawers were either open or overturned on the floor, the files were everywhere, half-crumpled. The ink had been spilled all over the desk. The chair was smashed.

They took a deep breath.

Suddenly, something under the table moved.

Zophiel would’ve screamed, if they weren’t too busy trying not to faint. They found themself sitting on the floor. Kitty had come out of the shadows and had flopped onto their lap.

There was a message tied to her collar.

You do you. I know what the punchline is. Trust me, I’ll see you there soon.

### Heaven, where an Angel’s Got A Job To Do

 _Do your duty,_ Michael had said.

 _You do you,_ Ramiel had said.

Even if they were still giddy at the thought of being alive, Zophiel could see a common theme.

_I’m an Archivist and Observer._

_Let’s Observe._

File: Hea_586089

Sunday, 25th August, 2019, 12:00

Report from: Angel Zophiel, Archivist and Observer, third class, Earth Observation Department

Subject: Activities of the angel Aziraphale (former Principality Aziraphale; former Cherub Aziraphale, Angel of the Eastern Gate; aka Mr. A.Z. Fell, Mr. A. Ziraphale, Ezra Fell, Avery Fell, Brother Francis, etc. — see dossier), with particular regard to his interactions with the enemy agent known as Tempter Crowley (aka Crawly, Anthony J Crowley, Nanny Ashtoreth, Antonio d’Albione, Antoine Le Noir, etc. — see dossier).

_Saturday, 24th August 2019_

_18:00._ Angel Aziraphale (henceforth: A) leaves base in the company of Tempter Crowley (henceforth: C), walking. Conversation with C, checking each others’ physical wellbeing.

 _18:30._ A and C enter “Tesco” supermarket located in Marlow Road, Tadfield.[1]

[Note 1] The unfortunate fact that most “[geographic location] Road” in England are located everywhere but in [geographic location] can be traced back to an idea by Tempter Crowley.

 _18:32._ Discussion with C on the topic “which one is better to get completely drunk, red or white?”

 _18:45._ The discussion is settled on “we get them both, four bottles each.”

 _18:46._ A and C leave the shop. A’s request of standard “render unto Caesar” miracle (leaving £50 in the purse of the shop cashier) is approved.[2]

[Note 2] Barring treasonous activities, I am choosing to approve Angel Aziraphale’s miracle requests as doing otherwise would often damage a human being and reveal that his movements are tracked in detail.

 _18:47._ A and C walk in the direction of Tadfield Village. A’s request of standard “Wedding at Cana” miracle — bulk order (turning Tesco Pinot Noir into 2012 Chablis, turning Tesco Everyday Value Red Wine into 1964 Saint Emilion) is approved. A drinks one bottle of Chablis. C drinks one bottle of Saint Emilion. Conversation: none.

 _19:21._ Conversation about weather.

 _19:37._ Conversation about housing market and gentrification.[3] A drinks one bottle of Chablis. C drinks one bottle of Saint Emilion.

[Note 3] Another unfortunate fact, though it can be traced back only to human Ineffable Free Will and not to any idea by Tempter Crowley.

 _20:16._ A and C reach a bench in front of Tadfield Village parish church. They both sit. Conversation: none.

 _20:43._ A drinks two bottles of Chablis. C drinks one bottle of Saint Emilion. They share the last bottle of Saint Emilion. Conversation: none.

 _21:58._ Conversation: A and C give an assessment of the events of the past eleven years; they agree on their shortcomings, and appreciate the prophetic talents of Ms. Agnes Nutter.

 _22:02._ A returns the items belonging to two of the Four Horsemen (Famine’s Scales, Pollution’s Crown) to International Express Delivery Man (Mr. Leslie Merrells, henceforth LM).

 _22:04._ Following explicit request, A returns War’s Sword to LM.

 _22:06._ Conversation: A gives to LM indications about theological issues, with particular regard to eschatology.

 _22:08._ Conversation: A and C discuss the issue of A’s accommodation for the night.

 _22:10._ A and C board a bus. Interference of standard “hit the road, Jack” demonic miracle (forcing bus driver to end his journey in Mayfair, London) detected.

 _22:12._ A’s request of standard “rock-a-bye baby” miracle (granting C a sound sleep until the bus reaches his destination) is approved.

_Sunday, 25th August 2019_

_00:50._ A and C arrive at C’s lodgings in Mayfair, London.

 _00:51._ A’s request of standard “render unto Caesar” miracle (leaving £100 and a winning lottery ticket in the pocket of the bus driver) is approved.

 _00:54._ A and C enter C’s flat. Conversation: none.

 _00:55._ A’s request of nonstandard “protect and serve” miracle (cleaning of any trace of Holy Water) is approved. Conversation: A worries about C’s wellbeing.

 _00:58._ A notices the presence of a lectern in C’s flat. Interference of standard “here’s looking at you, kid” demonic miracle (materialising handkerchief) detected. Conversation about reciprocity and generosity in relationships.

 _01:06._ Conversation: vocabulary, with particular regard to friendship and romantic relationships.

 _01:09._ A’s request of standard “fashion goals — accessories” miracle (removing bowtie) is approved.

 _02:27._ Conversation: vocabulary, as above.

 _02:34._ Conversation: theology, with particular regard to the issue of circumventing prophecies.

 _02:50._ Interference of standard “sweet dreams are made of this” demonic miracle (granting A a sound sleep until 08:30) detected.

 _08:20._ Interference of standard “Babette’s Feast” demonic miracle (preparing full English breakfast) detected.

 _08:30._ A wakes up. Interference of standard “acrobatic circus” demonic miracle (avoiding the toppling of a tray on the bed) detected. Conversation: habits of married couples.

 _09:37._ A’s request of standard “je ne regrette rien” miracle (reheating breakfast) is approved. A consumes breakfast. C drinks a cup of coffee, black.

 _10:00._ Conversation: relative value of corporation for supernatural beings.

 _10:30._ A can be seen leaving C’s flat, planning to meet again in St. James’s Park (“the usual bench”) at 12:30.

 _11:45._ A appears to call C’s flat from a payphone located in Chinatown. Conversation: Central London topography. A’s request of standard “home sweet home” miracle (finding your way in Soho)[4] is approved.

[Note 4] following the “Going For Dinner With Billie Piper” mnemonic for “Greek-Frith-Dean-Wardour-Berwick-Poland Street,” a human invention that has saved many souls from eternal damnation due to excessive swearing.

 _12:00._ A’s bookshop (A.Z.Fell & Co. — Purveyor of Books to the Gentry) in Soho is inspected. Minor changes in inventory detected.

Zophiel knew some of the things they’d left out of their report might’ve been considered important, but they decided not to worry. After all, it was not their fault if there wasn’t a form for anything of consequence that Aziraphale and Crowley had done that night.

### Hell, where a Demon’s Got the Same Job To Do

File: Hel_3593749

Saturday, 24th August, 2019, 6:30pm

URGENT REQUEST — CLASSIFIED

From: Duke Dagon

To: Demon Ramiel, Archivist and Watcher, second class, Earth Surveillance Department

Keep your eyes on the traitor and the angel. I want everything.

Ramiel crossed her fingers and did what she had to do.

 _Let’s hope they don’t ask too many questions. Anyway, it’s not my fault if we don’t have a form for_ that.

### Heaven, where Plans Are Made

File: Hea_586095-101

Sunday, 25th August 2019,12:10

Request type: Standard Miracle — Appearance, Human — BULK ORDER

From: Archangel Sandalphon, Enforcement and Smiting Department

Status: APPROVED

Recorded by: Zophiel, Archivist and Observer, Earth Observation Department

We hereby issue the following items:

  * 5 (five) miracle “looking like park groundskeepers,” to be applied to
    * Archangel Sandalphon
    * Archangel Uriel
    * Angel Arariel
    * Angel Kushiel (with rope and restraints)
    * Angel Jehoel (with van and driving licence)



File: Hea_586102

Sunday, 25th August 2019,12:30

Request type: Travel, Earth

From: Archangel Sandalphon, Enforcement and Smiting Department

Status: APPROVED

Recorded by: Zophiel, Archivist and Observer, Earth Observation Department

We hereby request a descent to St. James’s Park (London, Earth) for the following:

  * Archangel Sandalphon
  * Archangel Uriel
  * Angel Arariel
  * Angel Kushiel
  * Angel Jehoel



File: Hea_586103

Sunday, 25th August 2019,12:35

Request type: Blessing — Holy Water (compressed, military grade)

From: Archangel Michael

Status: APPROVED

Recorded by: Zophiel, Archivist and Observer, Earth Observation Department

We hereby record the blessing of

  * 100 litres of Holy Water (compressed, military grade)



File: Hea_586104

Sunday, 25th August 2019,12:40

Request type: Support, Fashion

From: Archangel Michael

Status: APPROVED

Recorded by: Zophiel, Archivist and Observer, Earth Observation Department

We hereby issue the following item:

  * best “angelic-style” attire.



Something that reminds the Fallen who’s in charge, please. — Michael

Good job, Zophiel. I appreciate the wing-like sleeve. — Michael

### Hell, where Similar Plans are Made

File: Hel_3593801-3

Sunday, 25th August 2019,12:10

Request type: Standard Demonic Miracle — Appearance, Human — BULK ORDER

From: Duke Hastur, Enforcement and Torture Department

Status: APPROVED

Recorded by: Ramiel, Archivist and Watcher, Earth Surveillance Department

We hereby issue the following item: 

  * 3 (three) miracles “looking like a tourist,” to be applied to
    * Duke Hastur of Hell
    * Duke Dagon of Hell
    * Minor Demonic Minion (demon reference ID n.313)



File: Hel_3593804

Sunday, 25th August 2019,12:35

Request type: Travel, Earth

From: Duke Hastur, Enforcement and Torture Department

Status: APPROVED

Recorded by: Ramiel, Archivist and Watcher, Earth Surveillance Department

We hereby request an ascent to St. James’s Park (London, Earth) for the following:

  * Duke Hastur of Hell
  * Duke Dagon of Hell
  * Minor Demonic Minion (demon reference ID n.313)



File: Hel_3593805

Sunday, 25th August 2019,12:40

Request type: Travel, Former Enemy Territory

From: Duke Hastur, Enforcement and Torture Department

Status: APPROVED

Recorded by: Ramiel, Archivist and Watcher, Earth Surveillance Department

We hereby issue a travel permit to Former Enemy Territory (via service lift) to:

  * Disposable Demon Eric (demon reference ID n.483)



File: Hel_3593806

Sunday, 25th August 2019,12:45

Request type: Hellfire, Creation (contained)

From: Disposable Demon Eric (demon reference ID n.483)

Status: APPROVED

Recorded by: Ramiel, Archivist and Watcher, Earth Surveillance Department

We hereby record the creation of:

  * 1 (one) instance of Hellfire (contained)



### Heaven, where Plans are Foiled

Zophiel observed. It was their duty, after all.

Nothing in the Heavenly Guidelines touch on the subject of waiting with bated breath to see if a plan concocted in a night by an angel and a demon would be enough to fool both Heaven and Hell, so they did that too.

When the flames almost burned Sandalphon, they almost punched the air in victory.

_I wish you could see this, Ramiel. I’m going to tell you — oh, Lord. I don’t know where you got the idea that we’re going to meet again soon..._

File: Hea_586107

Sunday, 25th August 2019,13:00

Request type: Standard Miracle — Materialisation

From: Archangel Michael

Status: APPROVED

Recorded by: Zophiel, Archivist and Observer, Earth Observation Department

We hereby issue the following item:

  * 1 (one) “I didn’t see this one coming” miracle (bath towel, cotton, white)



### Hell, where Plans are Likewise Foiled

Something inside Ramiel’s mind was telling her that Aziraphale was pushing his luck. If he’d been an actor, one could’ve accused him of chewing the scenery. _Asking for a rubber duck,_ really?

The rest of her mind told that Something to _shut up and enjoy it, he’s simply_ glorious. _Just try not to laugh._

____

When she recorded Michael miracleing a towel, she thought of Zophiel filling in the form. Trying not to laugh suddenly became a bit harder.

__

_I’ll see you soon, dove. I promised._

__

She was watching Aziraphale putting Crowley’s clothes back on, when Dagon ran into her office.

__

“Delete everything, Ramiel,” she said. “And don’t mention anything about this ever again.”

__

“Yes, Duke Dagon. I haven’t seen anything.”

__

Dagon studied Ramiel for a moment. She nodded.

__

“Report to my office in ten minutes.”

__

“Yes, Duke.”

__

As soon as she’d left, Ramiel decided it was time to finally have that cup of tea.

__

It was a sheer coincidence that the route between her office and the kitchen passed close to the lifts, so it was just a chance that she bumped into someone who looked exactly like Crowley. And there was no reason for her to whisper something that sounded a lot like “congratulations, _angel,_ and all my best to your _dear boy.”_

__

Aziraphale glanced at her for a second, taking in every detail of her face, and smiled.

__

“All the best to _your_ angel, my dear,” he whispered in return.

__

### Heaven, where an Angel’s Offered a New Position

__

“So, Zophiel, how would you like to try something new?”

__

They were standing in front of Michael. Gabriel was sitting at his desk; Uriel had just brought him a cup of tea.

__

There was only one correct answer to the question.

__

“I’m at your service, Archangel.”

__

“Drop the ‘Archangel’,” said Gabriel. “Our company culture is changing. Our new philosophy includes open communication and a less hierarchical structure.”

__

“Ok, so — I can’t wait.”

__

“I told you, Gabriel,” said Michael. “They’re the right angel for the job. “Now, Zophiel: an exciting new opportunity has opened up on Earth...”

__

### Hell, where a Demon’s Given A New Job

__

“Demon Ramiel, Archivist and Watcher, second class, reporting...”

__

“Cut it. We’re no longer doing that. New style. After all, the soul intake of warlords has become almost irrelevant compared with the new horde of middle managers.”

__

“That’s brilliant, Duke...”

__

“Just Dagon. First-name communication with their bosses apparently puts employees at ease and makes them feel part of a shared experience, to the point that they actually ask to work overtime.”

__

“It sounds like Hell.”

__

“Oh, yes,” said Dagon. She was actually smiling. “But this is not why I called you here. Thing is, we have a job for you. It’s a tough one, but I’m sure you can do it. _Or else,_ you know. That sort of things doesn’t change. You’ll have to leave your office...”

__

* * *

__

### Footnotes

__

28. The marketing department is still working on the best term to use. We will let you know when they agree on which is the best one — we expect it to take less than 30 years.↩

__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So! We only have one last question to answer... if the dinosaurs are a joke what’s the punchline?


	10. Epilogue: The Dinosaur Punchline

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Zophiel and Ramiel plan their new life on Earth — together.

### A Bench With a Good View of Some Old Dinosaurs, Monday

“Are you going to tell me _‘I told you so,’_ demon?”

“I don’t think that I need to, sweet dove.”

Zophiel was looking at the dinosaurs, transfixed. After doing some research on the human invention known as “the internet,” Ramiel had found out everything she needed to know about ducks’ eating habits, and she had bought some oatcakes. The ducks seemed to like her to a point that was almost unbecoming for a demon.

“How’s Kitty?” asked Zophiel.

“She’s getting used to the flat,” replied Ramiel, smiling. “It’s less noisy than Hell, so she’s napping to her little heart’s content. It’s also more boring, so she’s destroying the sofa on a regular basis. I’m knitting her so many toys that I was thinking of opening a wool shop.”

“Wouldn’t that take a lot of miracles? I could give you some of mine. I’ve got an unlimited budget.”

“Unlimited budget for me too, dove. To be fair, I like the idea of having a shop, watching humans from up close and not supernatural beings through a screen. It could be a nice change.”

“Oh, yes. Human beings can be _the best.”_

Ramiel was about to say something about how human beings can also be _the worst,_ but she just threw another oatcake to the ducks. She managed to land it in the spot where it could cause the fiercest scuffle.

“Ducks. That’s the punchline, isn’t it?” she said suddenly. “Dinosaurs are ducks. People look for something epic and they don’t find it, while they’ve had it right under their nose all the time. You just have to ask the right questions, and tell yourself the right story.”

“Maybe,” said Zophiel. “Ducks, dinosaurs... they’re all good stories, or at least, I like them all. But then again, I like a lot of things. For instance, I think that I’m going to like my new assignment: _infiltrate the traitor Aziraphale’s inner circle and discover the secret of his resistance to Hellfire.”_

“That’s curious. It reminds me of my assignment: _infiltrate the traitor Crowley’s inner circle and discover the secret of his resistance to Holy Water._ I think I’ll pose as a demon who’d like to help the traitors to defy Hell and Heaven and fight on the side of humanity, or something like that. Just a pretence, _of course.”_

“That’s curious. It reminds me of _my_ strategy. Go figure,” said Zophiel.

Ramiel threw another oatcake in the lake. The ducks seemed to approve.

“I could even get close to an angel. Maybe ask them if they want to share a flat. I’ve just bought a nice one in Shoreditch, just over a place that serves some delicious scones. It would be a nice cover.”

“Was irony one of yours or one of ours?” whispered Zophiel.

“Human,” whispered back Ramiel. “It’s a story that makes you question where you stand.”

She threw the last oatcake to the ducks, turned her back to the lake, and started walking down the path. Zophiel followed her without saying a word.

Wherever they were going, they would get there together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, we’ve come to the end. The end of this fic, at least: Zophiel and Ramiel might return...
> 
> Anyway... wow. I got into fics in earnest only last summer, and I wouldn’t have dreamt of writing something like this.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who commented. I wouldn’t have made it this far without your support.
> 
> And I wouldn’t have made it without: [Worts,](https://archiveofourown.org/users/wortlby2/pseuds/Worts) who checked every word [and created](https://wortlby2.tumblr.com/) those documents in chapter 3 and 4; [ohstars,](https://oh--stars.tumblr.com/) who imagined Zophiel and Ramiel in chapter 2; [Doctor Science,](https://doctorscienceknowsfandom.tumblr.com/) who reminded me that there’s a thing called accuracy; [Dee,](https://archiveofourown.org/users/meinposhbastard) who cheered more than I could ever deserve; [WyvernQuill](https://archiveofourown.org/users/WyvernQuill/pseuds/WyvernQuill) who helped me create a world; and last but not least [SortOfSunny](http://sortofsunny.tumblr.com/) for her beautiful banner.
> 
> As for the [Four](https://espressosaur.tumblr.com/) [(or five)](https://karadanverss.tumblr.com/) [Horsemen](https://grellenore.tumblr.com/) [of the](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohstars) [Apocalypse](https://archiveofourown.org/users/ximeria/pseuds/ximeria) (aka [the mods](https://goodomensbigbang.tumblr.com/mods)) — you're heroes. I’m not sure that “thank you” is enough.

**Author's Note:**

> Please, don't be shy, make me smile, let me know what's on your mind, leave a comment!


End file.
